Adoption

Ever since we got my sister in our arms when I was 9 I had the desire to adopt. In 4th grade I entered an art contest. The theme was "imagine if" and you would fill in the blanks... most kids were saying things like, "imagine if money grew on trees" but not me. I said, "imagine if every child had a loving family" and drew a mom with brown hair and a blonde dad with kids of all different races. What 4th grader thinks like that?
Once I had Emma I thought all my babies would come this easy. I thought they would all take little to no effort... but this year and a few months has proven that I was wrong. Back in December of last year we were in the car on our way to Salt Lake for a wedding reception. I was crying because my period had just started and Brian suggested looking into adoption. I told him not yet, give me more time. Since then we have both felt multiple promptings to look into adoption.So after meeting with the infertility doctor we both felt that we shouldn't pursue any infertility treatments and look into adopting. We have so much love to give and there are so many children that NEED a loving family like us. If I was popping them out like I did with Emma the thought wouldn't cross my mind.
I needed infertility. I needed to learn patients, faith, hope, trust and to just relax. I needed to learn to enjoy what I have and be happy. I needed to learn to count my blessings. I feel I also needed it so I would consider adoption. We have spent hours praying, talking and researching. We feel this is what we should be doing right now in our lives.
Since we made the decision and have told a few people we have had mixed reviews. Some are so ecstatic and excited. They know what a miracle and blessing adoption is and feel that we would make wonderful adoptive parents. Others are not as supportive saying things like "you still have plenty of time no rush" "you are so young time is on your side don't jump into something" OK here is a heads up NEVER EVER EVER Say those things to someone struggling with infertility. You may not mean to offend but those words are hurtful. We are trying to remain positive and inform them that after much prayer we know this is what we should be doing... that kind of shuts them up. I tell Brian that most people weren't supportive of my mom and dad adopting my sister but once they got Maeley everyone loved her and was so happy they chose to adopt. I know that will be the same here. We just need to keep our chins up and have faith.
We know and understand we have a LONG HARD road ahead, and we know that there may be some heartache... but we know that this is right for our family. We know that our baby is waiting and that we will have so much love to share with it. We know that this will be an eternal blessing for our family.
We are starting the process and would ask for your prayers and support.

Spoilers

Well I went to my appointment. I love the dr! Love him! Maybe I can finally replace my Logan dr. This dr wanted to start artificial insemination this cycle. It got me excited! Really really excited! Maybe this would fix our problem and I would get my baby. It was all perfect...

Or was it? There was my other half that wasn't sold. He saw a bunch of dollar signs when I saw baby. He saw my being emotionally destroyed when it didn't work month after month and I saw a baby.

We have spent hours talking, hours crying, hours trying to figure out what to do. 

How is it that he can be so strong? How can he have so much faith? How can it not tear him up inside like it does to me every month when the horrible evidence comes that I am not having a baby.

I get where he is coming from. He is in school full time for his MBA and he is working full time. We are working on being debt free and eliminating debt and here I am wanting to add at least 395/month to do a procedure that at best as a 20% success rate. 

He has also seen me so emotional and upset month after month. Since Brian and I both have agreed no invitro artificial insination is our last hope at pregnancy... If we tossed in hundreds and hundreds of dollars and month after month I got the same results I have been getting I would be ruined. Artificial insemination is our last resort before adoption. I don't know if I could handle that rejection... I just can't bring myself to admit to Brian he might be right... 

I am hurting. Infertility sucks. In every way. It sucks your money away, it sucks your hope away, it sucks your emotions and your strength away, it sucks. This is hands down the hardest most heartbreaking thing. It sucks!!! 

I have said it before and I will say it again. I am a planner. Always have been. I like my life planned out. I like knowing on Tuesdays I do laundry and Wednesdays I grocery shop. I like knowing what tomorrow will bring. I hate change. I hate surprises. I hate the unknown. This is why I read spoilers to the bachelor. I have to know the end before I even see the beginning. Lately I have been using my planning energy on Christmas planning and crafting but all of Christmas is done and I am running low on crafts... Guess I need to go spend a day in michaels and Joann's since Brian prefers when I channel my crazy into something productive not pregnancy planning. 

I guess I am just a wreck. Not sure what to do or where to go. That's all.

sorry I disappeared

It litterally has been forever and a day since I have written... I am sorry. Life has gotten in the way and I have chosen to not focus on my infertility but rather Chanel my crazy into things that are in my control like crafting and Christmas planning... 

Well I am not pregnant. Last month my period started late (again) and broke my heart. While I was shopping with my mom while Brian and my dad were at priesthood session of conference I heard a song by Hilary Weeks that really touched me. It is called "Better promises" look it up. It wAs such a pick me up.

Well like I said I haven't been focussing on "trying" no hormones, no ovulation testing, no temperature taking, no charting... Just relaxing. And for once I am happier and less stressed. I have been soaking up my daughter and trying to keep her little longer despite her becoming more independent by the day.

Tomorrow I am meeting with a fertility specialist... We'll see how that goes. I'm not gonna lie I am really nervous!

I'm ok

I haven't written in forever and I am sorry but I have been soaking up every moment with my baby. She is my whole world. And yesterday I realized that if she ends up being gym only child I am so blessed and I am ok with that. I have a beautiful, perfect daughter and a loving husband. I have it enough for now. 

My desire to have a baby is still strong. We stopped clomid this month, fasted and went to the temple all about our baby. Brian and I both has different promptings that are related. Being off clomid was great! No sickness and my acne went away (until a week ago). I super lightly spotted in cycle day 10 and 18. I am now on cycle day 34. I'm not getting my hopes up. 

I know Heavenly Father is a God of miracles and that they do happen even to me. I know that when it is right my miracle baby will come.

Overwhelmed

Tonight I am overwhelmed with a wave of mixed emotions. Emma loves little figurine toys. She doesn't care what kind she loves them. Her favorite show at the moment is Doc Mcstuffins. So naturally her favorite figurine is Doc. Well today Doc's head fell off. After a few failed super glue and hot file attempts I am heartbroken. Emma went to bed thinking doc would be ok. I searched the Internet for the cheapest, fastest way to get her a replacement. I have never been so grateful to work as I am the next 2 days so Emma won't be home to notice broken doc... I am giving super glue one last shot. Crossing fingers it will be enough to get her by until Saturday when her replacement doc arrives.

Funny how life changes. 4 years ago my day and night would not have been devoted to a 3 inch piece of plastic... But here I am up way past my bedtime working on making this better for my sleeping angel. She is my world and her happiness means everything to me! I don't want to see the heartbreak in her eyes again. She was so upset Doc "needed to rest overnight" how is it that I could careless about my wants and focus 100% on her? I am so grateful for my baby although everyday she grows up a little more.

And keep in mind this is not drugged Hilary talking. The clomid came too late so I am taking a break. Which I am loving no hot flashes and my achne clearing up. :) keep praying for us please. Thank you!

Dear baby,

Right now you are still a dream, a hope for the future but I want you to know that I love you. I have felt you a couple times and know that you are there and that you will be worth it. Right now I am snuggling your sister while daddy sings... And I am wishing you were here on the other side of me. 

I think you and your big sister are both stubborn in different ways. Emma had to come way sooner than expected and you are taking your sweet time. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for you both and that you both have to come at a specific time. 

I can't wait for your turn! I can't wait to feel your little kicks and hiccups inside of me and I can't wait to snuggle you, hold your hand, rock you to sleep and soak up every second with you. Your dad and I want you so bad. Words can't express my heartbreak the past year as I have been trying to have you with no success. Words also can't express the faith I have that it will be ok. You have no idea how much I love you. And you will probably never know until you are in my shoes.

I know that Heavenly Father is a God of miracles. He has performed many in my life and I know that when it is your turn on earth he will perform yet another. I know you have a special spirit and that you will be a huge blessing to our family. As your sister is getting older she is less needy and will be a great big sister. She wants a baby, I want you and so does dad. We love you!

Love,

Mom

No clomid...

Well looks like my dr dropped the ball and never called in my clomid prescription... Meaning after 3 months I am stopping taking it... Not sure how I feel about this. Kinda excited to not have the yucky side effects but worried how this will affect me... But I know my baby will come when it is right. I just need to be patient.

I read a book called, "when your prayers seem unanswered" by S. Michael Wilcox. It was very good and I highly recommend it! He talked about how Heavenly Father is a 4th watch God and we are 1st watch people... He told the story about the apostles on the stormy sea and how Jesus didn't come until the 4th watch. He also said that if we feel we have already reached the 4th watch that we are "tight like unto a dish" and we can stay afloat during the "storm" we are facing.

I feel I just need to relax (I know easier said than done), be patient and have faith. We will be blessed with our child when the time is right. I know that there is another baby and I know that they are worth all of my heartache, all of my pain, all of my sickness, all of the drugs, all of the hormones and all of the waiting.