Never say never

I recently told Brian (jokingly) that he ruined my life, yet part of me was serious. Before Brian I could pretty much plan my life... What ever I said was going to happen happened. Yet ever since Brian I have gotten the opposite. I swore I would never marry a guy after knowing him only 4 month, I swore I would never marry someone from Utah IN Utah, I would never get married in the winter and I would never have a baby immediately. Well I got the exact opposite. I married Brian 5 days short of 4 months of knowing him. He is from Utah and we got married in Utah in December. A month after being married little Emma was conceived... And the same trend has continued since. After Emma I thought I would never struggle with infertility... Yet I am... After seeing friend struggle with miscarriages I said that I would never be able to handle losing a baby... Yet I did. 

It has been 19 days since we found out we lost our baby and I think I have grown more than I ever had in the past 2.5 weeks...

I have been so overwhelmed with the outpouring of love we received. It was the prayers and love from our friends and family that helped make this ok. I have had my eyes opened at how many women (and men since it is just as much their baby as the mom's) have suffered through this unexplainable pain. I have also seen how those who don't know how it feels (and I was one of them) just don't know what to say or do. 

The D&C in some ways was better than expected... In some ways it was worse. They had me fill out paperwork and when the question came up "are you pregnant" I choked back tears... And was unsure how to answer the question... Yes I was pregnant but my baby was dead so I circled between the yes and the no. 

They then had me get in the huge tent like hospital gown which of course so nicely showed off my bum to the world. And of course they had me change in the bathroom then walk to the room where they talked to me and have me am IV. The nurse was nice and explained that 1/4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. Yeah that didn't help. The dr came to talk to us and kindly put his hand on my shoulder when he saw me crying only his hand was freezing so it didn't bring much comfort. They then had Brian go wait in the waiting room and I again walked with my bare bum out to the room they performed the D&C... The room was big. My dr was standing awkwardly in the corner by a table full of scary instruments. There was an ultrasound machine in the opposite corner and there were at least 6 people in the room although it felt like more. I am sure it is there policy but the nurse asked my name I was thinking you know my name but I said "Hilary" she then asked what they were going to do to me... Really you ask a mom who just lost her baby and is about to get it surgically removed what you are doing to her?!?!? I didn't answer... I only cried. She wiped my eyes and told me not to cry laying down or the tears would get in my ears. Then her and the anesthesiologist were joking around with each other and the next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room with Brian.

10 min after taking me in that awful room I was done and just like that I was empty. Physically and emotionally. 

Recovery wasn't bad since there weren't any cuts and I was working on recovering emotionally. I can now tell people about my loss with out crying.

Although my baby was only 6 weeks 4 days when it went back to heaven and I was 7 weeks 5 days when I got the news I loved him. I have never met my child but I know him. I know his spirit and I know he loves me. When people say "at least you weren't very far along when you miscarried so you didn't get attached" it stings. I knew the exact day this baby was conceived. I longed for him for well over a year. I have had 2 vivid dreams with him. One the day the baby died and one a few days after I found out. I was attached. Brian was attached. This is our baby. We belive that we have a tender angel baby waiting for us and so grateful to have us as parents.

Today I had my post-op. We got great news. It wasn't a partial molar. Which is amazing news. This was very scary to me and I am so glad that is ruled out. The dr said my bulge was part of the pregnancy and I didn't need to worry about it coming back. He gave us the green light to try after I get my period. I am now taking a baby asprin everyday with my prenatals hoping to reduce the chance of another miscarriage. 

We are stronger now than ever and we look forward to The Lord providing another miracle for us. Emma and this baby were miracles and we know when the next child is ready another miracle will occur. For now I am just soaking up every second with my little Emma and not trying to plan my life out (since that clearly doesn't work and just leads me to be stressed). I am also not dwelling on the "why" I don't know why I lost the baby and I don't need to know. Trying to figure out why and dwelling on that will only depress me. I know enough and I am happy and at peace. For those of you who have or will have misscarriages I pray that you too can find peace and comfort.