Why?

Today is a bad day... Today I am constantly pushing thoughts out of my head that lead me to depression. I don't like the unknown and I don't like it when I am not in control. Maybe this is yet another reason why I am experiencing this trial. We have trials so make us grow and through my infertility and now miscarriage I have been forced to grow a lot... It's either that or let me be completely consumed in depression and possibly lose the 2 people that mean the most to me (Brian and Emma).

As glad as I am that the dr told me it wasn't a partial molar pregnancy and that I can start trying again once my period starts I am left with questions... What was that yucky bulge? We still don't know... All we know is it was gone but wasn't partial molar. Why did I get the bulge? Is that what killed my baby?

I have to force these thoughts away but it hard. Seeing friends that aren't as far along as I would be having critical health complications yet miraculously they and their baby are fine but my baby is not ok. I would have been 11 weeks today. Almost to the "safe" time... Yet I am empty. I am still a mother of one. 

I can't keep beating myself up. I can't think of all the unknowns and ask why. When I don't think of those I am so at peace. I am so happy. I am so grateful for my angel baby.