Overwhelmed

Tonight I am overwhelmed with a wave of mixed emotions. Emma loves little figurine toys. She doesn't care what kind she loves them. Her favorite show at the moment is Doc Mcstuffins. So naturally her favorite figurine is Doc. Well today Doc's head fell off. After a few failed super glue and hot file attempts I am heartbroken. Emma went to bed thinking doc would be ok. I searched the Internet for the cheapest, fastest way to get her a replacement. I have never been so grateful to work as I am the next 2 days so Emma won't be home to notice broken doc... I am giving super glue one last shot. Crossing fingers it will be enough to get her by until Saturday when her replacement doc arrives.

Funny how life changes. 4 years ago my day and night would not have been devoted to a 3 inch piece of plastic... But here I am up way past my bedtime working on making this better for my sleeping angel. She is my world and her happiness means everything to me! I don't want to see the heartbreak in her eyes again. She was so upset Doc "needed to rest overnight" how is it that I could careless about my wants and focus 100% on her? I am so grateful for my baby although everyday she grows up a little more.

And keep in mind this is not drugged Hilary talking. The clomid came too late so I am taking a break. Which I am loving no hot flashes and my achne clearing up. :) keep praying for us please. Thank you!

Dear baby,

Right now you are still a dream, a hope for the future but I want you to know that I love you. I have felt you a couple times and know that you are there and that you will be worth it. Right now I am snuggling your sister while daddy sings... And I am wishing you were here on the other side of me. 

I think you and your big sister are both stubborn in different ways. Emma had to come way sooner than expected and you are taking your sweet time. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for you both and that you both have to come at a specific time. 

I can't wait for your turn! I can't wait to feel your little kicks and hiccups inside of me and I can't wait to snuggle you, hold your hand, rock you to sleep and soak up every second with you. Your dad and I want you so bad. Words can't express my heartbreak the past year as I have been trying to have you with no success. Words also can't express the faith I have that it will be ok. You have no idea how much I love you. And you will probably never know until you are in my shoes.

I know that Heavenly Father is a God of miracles. He has performed many in my life and I know that when it is your turn on earth he will perform yet another. I know you have a special spirit and that you will be a huge blessing to our family. As your sister is getting older she is less needy and will be a great big sister. She wants a baby, I want you and so does dad. We love you!

Love,

Mom

No clomid...

Well looks like my dr dropped the ball and never called in my clomid prescription... Meaning after 3 months I am stopping taking it... Not sure how I feel about this. Kinda excited to not have the yucky side effects but worried how this will affect me... But I know my baby will come when it is right. I just need to be patient.

I read a book called, "when your prayers seem unanswered" by S. Michael Wilcox. It was very good and I highly recommend it! He talked about how Heavenly Father is a 4th watch God and we are 1st watch people... He told the story about the apostles on the stormy sea and how Jesus didn't come until the 4th watch. He also said that if we feel we have already reached the 4th watch that we are "tight like unto a dish" and we can stay afloat during the "storm" we are facing.

I feel I just need to relax (I know easier said than done), be patient and have faith. We will be blessed with our child when the time is right. I know that there is another baby and I know that they are worth all of my heartache, all of my pain, all of my sickness, all of the drugs, all of the hormones and all of the waiting. 

The view no one sees

This is the view no one sees (but Brian of course) in front of others I put on a happy face and pretend to be strong (fake it till you make it right?) 

Infertility is literally an emotional roller coaster. When I saw the evidence that my period was starting I was devastated. I called my ob to get more clomid called in (yuck) then tried to call my husband but he was busy with a client at work so I called my mom and bawled. All day I was battling my feelings.

When I got home I just enjoyed my family that I did have. I have something that a lot of women struggling with infertility never have... A beautiful daughter... After I snuggled her to sleep I curled up to my husband on the couch and just relaxed. My dad told me that maybe The Lord is blessing me... When I had to leave Emma to go to work it broke my heart and leaving my brand new baby would tear me apart so maybe He is waiting until Brian is closer to his MBA and gets a better job.

I went to bed ok. But woke up sad. I couldn't help but grieve the loss of this last month. The loss of my idea of the future and a slight loss of hope. My crying woke up Brian. This is hard on him I know. But how can he be so strong? 

I want to quit. I want to give up. But he won't let me.

I was reading an article about a family who's trip to Disney World was ruined with a ton of car problems. In her closing paragraph she wrote this:

I know deep down somewhere that my heartbreak, my pain, my disappointments, my frustrations won't last long and that it will all be worth it. But in the moment... I am hurting, crying and doubting.

Spoke too soon

My period is trying to start. Afterother disappointing   news today this was the straw that broke the camels back. Needless to say I am a bawling wreck right now. 

It has been forever!

Life has just gotten away with me and I haven't had the time (or energy) to blog. I decided to not "try" this month... meaning I wasn't going to frantically chart every single detail... I was going to relax and go with the flow. Which is good because I had enough to stress about...
This month has been a rough one. There has been drama at work causing me to HATE my job and I am looking for another one.
Emma, my little princess, has scared me to death not once but twice and in less than a week! The first time was on one of my days off we were enjoying life savers when she stopped breathing. I freaked out. Then she started crying and coughing so I picked her up and pounded on her back as she was sticking her fingers down her throat until finally she choked/threw up the life saver in my hand. I can't express the fear as I was experiencing that. To be that close to loosing my whole world. The second time we were at my in-law's and she was upstairs I told Brian to go get her. When he got up there he saw that my brother-in-law had left the window open... Well emma had popped out the screen and was chillin in the window sill. HOLY COW!!!!! What would I have down with my self if she fell and was seriously hurt or killed? She means everything to me and really holds our family together. I am so grateful Heavenly Father watched out for my baby and protected her. He is mindful of my little family and cares about us...
Now I am late. Just like last month. I am trying NOT to get my hopes up and relax and just think my body hates me and is just waiting to sneak attack when I least expect it... but I can't help it... I have some hope that this might be it. I guess time will tell. I am too afraid to test right now and get a BFN (big fat nagative) so I am waiting a few days....

Secondary Infertility

This week I learned there is a term for my struggle “Secondary infertility” I had no idea this term existed (although I was fully aware that the problem did) and honestly knowing there is a term out there brings me comfort. It lets me know that I am not alone. There are other people who had a child but are now struggling with infertility. Other women know the pain I feel. My friend who is also experiencing Secondary Infertility as well shared this blog with me… and this is when I learned the term.

http://sayyestohoboken.com/2013/05/our-secondary-infertility-journey-part-2.html

I love every word of her blog! I love that she talks about how having a child makes infertility hard. She talked about my pains with the widening age gap and my worry towards it. She is a complete stranger but I felt like we were friends. She is someone that know exactly how I feel and shared my pains and fears.

Anyway, I decided to keep trying but not “TRY” this month. Meaning of course I am trying for a baby… I mean I didn’t take 150 mg of Clomid for nothing… but I am skipping the peeing on a stick, checking my cervical mucus and taking my temperature. I am skipping charting every detail including when there is a “love connection”