"It'll happen when you stop thinking about it."
Ok great advice my biggest desire to have another baby but I guess I should just erase that from my mind. Simple! Not! When I am not thinking about Emma (and even sometimes when thinking about her) I am thinking about wanting a baby. How can you take something that your whole body and souls craves and just erase it from your memory? You can't! So stop telling me to stop thinking about it!
"Stop trying and you will have one."
Ok again back to stop thinking about it. My husband and I want another so bad! We have been trying for 7 months! How in the flip are we supposed to stop trying and stop thinking?
"Enjoy trying..."
Do you really think I am just laying there hating every moment of trying? Um no! I love being ummmm intimate with my husband and am enjoying it but thanks for making me feel bad in bed.
"I had no problem getting pregnant"
Yeah thanks for rubbing it in. Neither did I the first time! Things can happen to change that. You rubbing in how fertile you are only makes you come across as insensitive to what I am feeling and makes you seem like you are flaunting your champion baby making skills. Congrats you already have a baby do you want a medal too?
"Are you pregnant yet?" Or "when do you want to have a second?"
I will tell you when and if I ever get pregnant you asking me every month rubs my failure in my face more. If we aren't close enough to talk daily and so you don't know my struggle to get pregnant keep your mouth shut and I will tell you when the blessed day arrives!
Sorry to be so crabby but between pms, heartbreak and frustration you get this.
Sunday, March 24, 2013
It happened again...
My period came. Late. How late? Not for sure since last month I spotted for 5 days before my actual period... So either a week or 2 days late. But it came. After having pms bad where I felt nauseated and even threw up. I started to get excited. I got my hopes up and took 2 pregnancy tests (one Wednesday and one today) that both came up negative.
After a great dinner at my moms I saw the evidence of aunt flow knocking on my door. Disappointed I asked my mom for a pad. Then my little sister was saying I would be done having kids by the time she had them... And I lost it. I had tries to be strong, I tried to not cry, but I failed. I bawled and fell onto my parents bed where my mom hugged me and tried to comfort me.
My daughter who is super sensitive was upset that I was sad and started to cry so I had to pull my self together and buck up for her. Also how can I be sad when I have the cutest baby who is so smart and sweet? I really am blessed!
I have decided I am taking a break from trying. I don't want a Christmas baby and so I am done trying for now. I am selfish I know but my anniversary is 6 days before Christmas Eve and if I got pregnant the baby would be due 5 days after... So I don't want a mess of aniverschristmasbirthday... So I am taking a break.
I am going to focus on me. And start working out and stop stressing.
After a great dinner at my moms I saw the evidence of aunt flow knocking on my door. Disappointed I asked my mom for a pad. Then my little sister was saying I would be done having kids by the time she had them... And I lost it. I had tries to be strong, I tried to not cry, but I failed. I bawled and fell onto my parents bed where my mom hugged me and tried to comfort me.
My daughter who is super sensitive was upset that I was sad and started to cry so I had to pull my self together and buck up for her. Also how can I be sad when I have the cutest baby who is so smart and sweet? I really am blessed!
I have decided I am taking a break from trying. I don't want a Christmas baby and so I am done trying for now. I am selfish I know but my anniversary is 6 days before Christmas Eve and if I got pregnant the baby would be due 5 days after... So I don't want a mess of aniverschristmasbirthday... So I am taking a break.
I am going to focus on me. And start working out and stop stressing.
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Trying...
The term "trying to get pregnant" has begun to take on multiple meanings for me the past 6 months:
The first is the obvious meaning. We are actively trying to have a baby... I don't think anyone wants details on that... TMI!
The second is trying to have faith and patients. I am a planner. Ask anyone who knows me really really well. I had planned that after our trip to Disneyland last September we would start trying and for sure by November be pregnant... And the latest would be January because my kids would not be over 3 years apart... Well here we are in march and no baby. I struggle each month when aunt flow arrives but no positive pregnancy test. This is a righteous desire to be a mom again and nothing. I am trying to be patient... Trying to have faith... And trying to be strong... So when I say I am trying. I mean... I am trying with everything in me!
The first is the obvious meaning. We are actively trying to have a baby... I don't think anyone wants details on that... TMI!
The second is trying to have faith and patients. I am a planner. Ask anyone who knows me really really well. I had planned that after our trip to Disneyland last September we would start trying and for sure by November be pregnant... And the latest would be January because my kids would not be over 3 years apart... Well here we are in march and no baby. I struggle each month when aunt flow arrives but no positive pregnancy test. This is a righteous desire to be a mom again and nothing. I am trying to be patient... Trying to have faith... And trying to be strong... So when I say I am trying. I mean... I am trying with everything in me!
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Lets start at the very beginning
When I was 15 my "Aunt Flo" decided to make her very first visit. I remember I was so excited! This was something I had learned about and that all my friends had, but me. I felt like I was growing up.
Well needless to say Aunt Flo quickly became a very unwanted guest for me. I could never plan on when she stop by... Sometimes I would go months and months with out a single visit...
Then one day I was 16 I was in excruciating pain. I could barely move. After a visit to the OBGYN I learned I had OVARIAN CYSTS... And this is when I first learned how selfish and stubborn my ovaries were...
As the dr explained that instead of releasing an egg every month my ovaries hold them in a cyst that gets bigger and bigger and eventually ruptures... With tears streaming down my face I choked out the question "will I ever be able to have babies?" The dr replied, "with lots of help. It will take you years to get pregnant, you will need to take your temperature everyday and possibly use fertility drugs". This had me worried the only thing I have ever wanted to be was a mom and now I was learning that it would be very difficult to make that dream a reality.
Years down the road when I was 20 and away at USU I was having constant pain and after 2 trips to the ER and 1 surgery later I was diagnosed with endometriosis and had it removed. I was told the surgery would be good for 2 years but it would be hard for me to get pregnant.
Less than a year later I was on birth control to try to start having periods since i hadn't had one in almost 6 months and i was engaged to my now husband and on our way home from singing at a church fireside we both had the strong feeling our baby was ready and to not prevent pregnancy. We got married in December 2009 and I got off the pill. At the end of January I was feeling sick, fat and grumpy and started to just feel like I was pregnant. On February 8, 2010 those two pink lines showed that I was going to be a mom. I was so excited. On October 7 we were blessed with our beautiful, healthy 5 pound daughter Emma.
It took me a month to get pregnant with her! A month! After I was told it would take years... I figured that all the drs I had ever seen were all wrong about me and my baby making organs were finally going to be my friend. After years and years of them working against me... So when we started trying for baby #2 in September 2012 I was expecting to be pregnant for sure by the end of the year... Here I am in march 2013 still nothing and still heartbroken... So I decided to be productive and instead of venting to my poor husband who tries to "fix" what ever is bothering me and use this blog as a release... A therapeutic way to record my frustration, disappointment, heart break, happiness, blessings and support.
2 days ago it was sunday, I hadn't been feeling well all day. That night as we were putting emma to bed I was suddenly in sever pain. I left her room and tearfully asked brian for a blessing. I went to sit down but couldn't it hurt too bad. My husband then gave me a blessing and then went to put our daughter (who I spoil and needs to be snuggled to fall asleep) to bed. I curled up on the couch unable to even roll over. Brian who was scared kept asking if I needed to go to the ER. I said no because it was too expensive. after being up ALL night in sever pain I called in sick to work and was seen by a doctor. After every test under the sun being performed I was sent to get an ultrasound... suspecting a cyst to be the culprit. sure enough the ultrasound showed fluid around the left ovary meaning I had a cyst rupture... oh good! My cysts are back and my body hates me. I tried to see the positive at least my body was attempting to release eggs meaning I was ovulating... so now the trying continues.
Well needless to say Aunt Flo quickly became a very unwanted guest for me. I could never plan on when she stop by... Sometimes I would go months and months with out a single visit...
Then one day I was 16 I was in excruciating pain. I could barely move. After a visit to the OBGYN I learned I had OVARIAN CYSTS... And this is when I first learned how selfish and stubborn my ovaries were...
As the dr explained that instead of releasing an egg every month my ovaries hold them in a cyst that gets bigger and bigger and eventually ruptures... With tears streaming down my face I choked out the question "will I ever be able to have babies?" The dr replied, "with lots of help. It will take you years to get pregnant, you will need to take your temperature everyday and possibly use fertility drugs". This had me worried the only thing I have ever wanted to be was a mom and now I was learning that it would be very difficult to make that dream a reality.
Years down the road when I was 20 and away at USU I was having constant pain and after 2 trips to the ER and 1 surgery later I was diagnosed with endometriosis and had it removed. I was told the surgery would be good for 2 years but it would be hard for me to get pregnant.
Less than a year later I was on birth control to try to start having periods since i hadn't had one in almost 6 months and i was engaged to my now husband and on our way home from singing at a church fireside we both had the strong feeling our baby was ready and to not prevent pregnancy. We got married in December 2009 and I got off the pill. At the end of January I was feeling sick, fat and grumpy and started to just feel like I was pregnant. On February 8, 2010 those two pink lines showed that I was going to be a mom. I was so excited. On October 7 we were blessed with our beautiful, healthy 5 pound daughter Emma.
It took me a month to get pregnant with her! A month! After I was told it would take years... I figured that all the drs I had ever seen were all wrong about me and my baby making organs were finally going to be my friend. After years and years of them working against me... So when we started trying for baby #2 in September 2012 I was expecting to be pregnant for sure by the end of the year... Here I am in march 2013 still nothing and still heartbroken... So I decided to be productive and instead of venting to my poor husband who tries to "fix" what ever is bothering me and use this blog as a release... A therapeutic way to record my frustration, disappointment, heart break, happiness, blessings and support.
2 days ago it was sunday, I hadn't been feeling well all day. That night as we were putting emma to bed I was suddenly in sever pain. I left her room and tearfully asked brian for a blessing. I went to sit down but couldn't it hurt too bad. My husband then gave me a blessing and then went to put our daughter (who I spoil and needs to be snuggled to fall asleep) to bed. I curled up on the couch unable to even roll over. Brian who was scared kept asking if I needed to go to the ER. I said no because it was too expensive. after being up ALL night in sever pain I called in sick to work and was seen by a doctor. After every test under the sun being performed I was sent to get an ultrasound... suspecting a cyst to be the culprit. sure enough the ultrasound showed fluid around the left ovary meaning I had a cyst rupture... oh good! My cysts are back and my body hates me. I tried to see the positive at least my body was attempting to release eggs meaning I was ovulating... so now the trying continues.
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