The view no one sees

This is the view no one sees (but Brian of course) in front of others I put on a happy face and pretend to be strong (fake it till you make it right?) 

Infertility is literally an emotional roller coaster. When I saw the evidence that my period was starting I was devastated. I called my ob to get more clomid called in (yuck) then tried to call my husband but he was busy with a client at work so I called my mom and bawled. All day I was battling my feelings.

When I got home I just enjoyed my family that I did have. I have something that a lot of women struggling with infertility never have... A beautiful daughter... After I snuggled her to sleep I curled up to my husband on the couch and just relaxed. My dad told me that maybe The Lord is blessing me... When I had to leave Emma to go to work it broke my heart and leaving my brand new baby would tear me apart so maybe He is waiting until Brian is closer to his MBA and gets a better job.

I went to bed ok. But woke up sad. I couldn't help but grieve the loss of this last month. The loss of my idea of the future and a slight loss of hope. My crying woke up Brian. This is hard on him I know. But how can he be so strong? 

I want to quit. I want to give up. But he won't let me.

I was reading an article about a family who's trip to Disney World was ruined with a ton of car problems. In her closing paragraph she wrote this:

I know deep down somewhere that my heartbreak, my pain, my disappointments, my frustrations won't last long and that it will all be worth it. But in the moment... I am hurting, crying and doubting.

Spoke too soon

My period is trying to start. Afterother disappointing   news today this was the straw that broke the camels back. Needless to say I am a bawling wreck right now. 

It has been forever!

Life has just gotten away with me and I haven't had the time (or energy) to blog. I decided to not "try" this month... meaning I wasn't going to frantically chart every single detail... I was going to relax and go with the flow. Which is good because I had enough to stress about...
This month has been a rough one. There has been drama at work causing me to HATE my job and I am looking for another one.
Emma, my little princess, has scared me to death not once but twice and in less than a week! The first time was on one of my days off we were enjoying life savers when she stopped breathing. I freaked out. Then she started crying and coughing so I picked her up and pounded on her back as she was sticking her fingers down her throat until finally she choked/threw up the life saver in my hand. I can't express the fear as I was experiencing that. To be that close to loosing my whole world. The second time we were at my in-law's and she was upstairs I told Brian to go get her. When he got up there he saw that my brother-in-law had left the window open... Well emma had popped out the screen and was chillin in the window sill. HOLY COW!!!!! What would I have down with my self if she fell and was seriously hurt or killed? She means everything to me and really holds our family together. I am so grateful Heavenly Father watched out for my baby and protected her. He is mindful of my little family and cares about us...
Now I am late. Just like last month. I am trying NOT to get my hopes up and relax and just think my body hates me and is just waiting to sneak attack when I least expect it... but I can't help it... I have some hope that this might be it. I guess time will tell. I am too afraid to test right now and get a BFN (big fat nagative) so I am waiting a few days....

Secondary Infertility

This week I learned there is a term for my struggle “Secondary infertility” I had no idea this term existed (although I was fully aware that the problem did) and honestly knowing there is a term out there brings me comfort. It lets me know that I am not alone. There are other people who had a child but are now struggling with infertility. Other women know the pain I feel. My friend who is also experiencing Secondary Infertility as well shared this blog with me… and this is when I learned the term.

http://sayyestohoboken.com/2013/05/our-secondary-infertility-journey-part-2.html

I love every word of her blog! I love that she talks about how having a child makes infertility hard. She talked about my pains with the widening age gap and my worry towards it. She is a complete stranger but I felt like we were friends. She is someone that know exactly how I feel and shared my pains and fears.

Anyway, I decided to keep trying but not “TRY” this month. Meaning of course I am trying for a baby… I mean I didn’t take 150 mg of Clomid for nothing… but I am skipping the peeing on a stick, checking my cervical mucus and taking my temperature. I am skipping charting every detail including when there is a “love connection”

Try or not?

Well I am in my 11 month of trying... And let me tell you. This whole trying thing is so hard... Not like I am saying anything new for those that follow my blog... 

I didn't know that when you were trying you would have intense mood swings, you finally are so strong and then that all comes crashing down.

I didn't know that you dread yet are addicted to going to the bathroom to see when you wipe if there is any blood spots... And that the slightest, tiniest, lightest little spot of pink or brown can send you spiraling down into depression to know it wasn't this month.

I didn't know how time consuming trying was. With all the charting, temperature taking and ovulation testing.

I didn't know that is literally all you think about and they your body craves a baby. I didn't know that all this could create a hysterical pregnancy. 

So now here I am in my 11 month trying to decide... Should I skip the testing, charting, and temperature taking... Forgetting about doing the deed when it is right and instead focus my thoughts and time else where and just doing the dance with my husband when we want? Ugh I hate deciding. Part of me wants to chart like I have never charted before and the other part of me wants to try and relax.

I finished my last dose of clomid yesterday and this round sucked! 150 mg made me feel like a train hit me. I could barely manage to get out of bed to help my daughter. Not looking forward to next month when I am back at 150. 

My mom told me she fasted for me and Brian today. That makes me feel good. If anything I love knowing that people are supportive and wanting this to work out just like me.

Round 3

I hate you clomid! I am not moody on it (thank goodness because I was afraid it would ruin my marriage if I was) but it makes me so sick. This morning I couldn't get out of bed to go get my daughter when she woke up. It took everything I had to take her (and me) to the bathroom and to get us something to eat. I am so dizzy, light headed with slight blurred vision and a terrible headache. I can barely sit up. 

I had a goal to deep clean my house and re-organize, yeah didn't happen. On top of it Emma had a rough day potty training she went weeks with out accidents including two twelve hour car rides to Washington... But today she had 4. Maybe it was my bad for not being more on top of her...

So I called my sister who is my medical questions go to since she is helping her hubby through med school right now... And she told me to call the dr about my side effects but I decided to wait and see how I felt. It never got better so I promised my mom in the morning I will call Dr. Lammi and figure out a game plan.

So on top of being so sick and not even having energy to get grumpy with Brian over nothing like I used to and being so sick I can't move it seems I am hearing more stories from friends or in the news about tragic infant abuse cases... And honestly it makes me angryS how come these people can get pregnant but I can't? I may not be the best mom... I may not have the cleanest house... I may not be the best cook but I am a dang good mom who loves my daughter more than anything and will love my future children the same, yet these people who kill or nearly kill their babies can get pregnant. I guess everyone has their own trials.

Tonight after taking today's dose of my least favorite drug (unless it gets me a baby then it may be my favorite) miss Emma woke up and I heard her door open slowly to see my little princess sleepy eyed. I scooped her up and just snuggled her until she fell asleep (yes I spoil her). As I was holding her I had a feeling like "Hilary it's ok. The Lords plan is better than yours. Emma needs to be your baby right now, she is a very attached girl and this is allowing her to grow up a little so she can be a better big sister."

I am taking things one day at a time. For now I am enjoying laying in my daughter's bed with her head on my shoulder snoring softly. I am tryin to fight my way through the pain of the medication and just tell my self that my baby is worth it. I will wake up assess how I feel and call the Dr. Then work on making sure Emma and I are taken care of and happy. I am so blessed to have her.