Sacrifice

As a mom I sacrifice a lot for Emma... And this weekend with all my girly hormones I may have acted irrationally... The whole family went shooting while I stayed home with Emma. I wasn't upset I was home with Emma because we always have a good time and she was ultra cuddly that day, but rather I was upset that I was the only one who has never shot a gun yet I was the one home. I was upset that all that was talked about the rest of the day/weekend was shooting yet I was left out of the conversation because I wasn't there and I couldn't relate because I have never shot a gun. I was left out and grumpy and I think that was ultimately what was making me mad... Not that I was with Emma.

With Emma being 2 and a half I am no stranger to sacrifice. I sacrificed my tiny body for 9 months, I sacrificed my boobs while breast feeding and now after stopping they are way small... I have sacrificed sleep for 2 and a half years and I have sacrificed eating warm dinners. I have recently sacrificed taking long, hot showers alone...Emma loves to take showers with me and we sing rainbow connection the whole time while I hurry to shave and wash my self in between dancing with her.

I am sacrificing staying at home to go to work part time. I sacrifice a lot and sometimes forget to see I am not the only one making sacrifices. 

Brian takes shifts with me on rough nights with Emma so I can get some shut eye. He goes to work full time when he would much rather be with Emma (because let's face it she is the cutest and who wouldn't want to be with her). He sacrifices boy time with his buddies to just be with his girls at home. He is now going back to school for his masters and that is a huge sacrifice. I am grateful for him and all he does for our little family.

Unless you've been there...

Unless you have been in a situation where you are longing for a baby but can't get pregnant you don't know. You don't know that your emotions are off the wall and that one second you can be so happy for people who are pregnant but then that very next pregnancy announcement sends you overboard and you sink back into depression.

Unless you have struggled with infertility you don't know. You don't know how badly it can affect your marriage. You don't know that this tiny little black monster of a word can cause so much stress and strain to your relationship. You don't know the guilt you feel that you can't give your spouse a baby and you don't know the rejection he feels because you "aren't satisfied" with the little family you have.

Unless you have been there you don't know. You don't know that the emotional pain far out weighs the physical pains. 

Unless you have had month after month of getting your hopes up only to have yet another negative pregnancy test and have that completely shatter your day you don't know.

Unless you have had the decision of where to go since the natural way isn't working you don't know. You don't know how scary it is and you don't know how hard it is to make that decision (not that I was ever good at making up my mind on anything). 

Unless you have felt the heartbreak and failure from infertility you don't know. You don't know how lonely it is. You don't know that although you have your best friend by your side he is feeling the same pain you are and it is just as hard on him and then to add seeing you hurt an angry and frustrated only makes it worse for him so you long for someone who can relate, who you can cry to and who can truly understand the pain inside.

I'm sorry for any insensitivity I have shown in the past to anyone suffering through such a heart wrenching trial. I now know and understand how truly difficult it is in every single aspect of your life.

Uplifting Sunday

Today was a great day. I love Sundays! There is nothing like hearing the jr primary belt out "I am a child of God" the spirit was so strong in that room as they prepared for sharing time. 

Then as I was helping my mom get dinner ready she said, "Hilary when you got married my one piece of advice was wait to have kids but you said, 'mom I feel like I have to try, this may be my only chance.' And now with everything you are going through those words keep running through my head. I really feel like you knew what you were doing by going off birth control and getting pregnant with Emma so fast."

I don't remember saying that to her but I do remember feeling the sure prompting that I needed to not prevent pregnancy and that my baby was ready. And then to have Brian have the exact same prompting at the exact same time. I remember it like it was yesterday. And I remembered the comfort as I saw the positive pregnancy test that over powered my fears. 

Emma has by far been my greatest blessing and is such a miracle. I love her in a way I never knew possible!!! Now I know that she is not my only child but I don't know if she is my only biological child. She very well may be my only chance... If she is or is not my only biological child she sure is my strength during my infertility challenge. Knowing that I have been blessed with her brings gratitude where there is envy and resentment, brings faith where there is doubt.

Totally irrational?

So the more people find out about my clomid treatments the more stories I hear. My sister who thinks like a doctor says it is wonderful. A family friend who is so even tempered said it made her very emotional and her sister in law who was already emotional it made her completely irrational, to the point of it was either getting off of clomid or get a divorce.

This scares me. I am so emotional, moody, dramatic, sensitive and irrational as it is... Let alone pumping me full of hormones. I am scared I am going to go completely nuts and either A. make Brian not want to do what needs to be done to make a baby or B. ruin my marriage or C. Both!  So I am asking for your prayers. Pray that I will be able to control my emotions and not go completely and 100% insane. Pray that Brian will be patient and have strength to deal with super crazy Hilary. Pray that clomid will work and will work fast so that mega crazy Hilary won't be around long. 

This is going to take everything with in me but I am going to work hard at not loosing it... My baby is worth it... My baby is worth my pain, my heartache, and all my strength being focused on not being locked up in a padded room. I am stronger than the side effects of clomid... I can do this... The first step is positive thoughts right?

Why?

When struggling with infertility you find yourself asking yourself why? A lot. I know I shouldn't think this way but I admit... I have found myself asking, 

"why could I get pregnant with Emma so fast but now I can't?" 

"Why can people who aren't good parents get pregnant but I cant?"

"Why am I in so much physical pain?"

"Why am I going through this?"

I don't know all the answers and if I continue dwelling on the whys I will do nothing but drive me and my husband crazy.

I have felt like I have some answers to my whys. Emma came when she was needed. And because it took no time at all I had little to no sympathy for those that couldn't get pregnant, sure I felt sorry for them but I didn't get it. I thought that getting pregnant came easy. But now I know how it feels to want scratch that need a baby. I know the heartache I know the pain. I feel extreme sorrow for those that struggle with their first since I at least have my little, beautiful, perfect princess to call mine forever.

I also feel Heavenly Father is testing me and making me better. Like I have said countless times, I am a planner and not patient. I worry about everything! I want everything to be perfect and I make up elaborate plans in my head. 

I live by hypotheticals... I have found myself for the past year saying "we can't do this thing then because I might be pregnant" or "what of I am pregnant then... I don't think we should do it" and this was for countless things... Vacations, activities and such. But I needed to learn to be patient. I needed to learn to have faith and relax and just rely on my Heavenly Father. 

Like I said my whys aren't all answered. There are still questions but I need to focus on what I know and continue to work on being a better wife, mother an person. 

Mother's Day

This Mother's Day was an interesting one for me. It was wonderful, Brian made me breakfast in bed and got me season tickets to see the Aggies play football. One of my sunbeams that has a hard time leaving his parents stayed for the whole lesson and then saw me as we were walking home from church and said "Hi teacher see you next week". Emma went potty in the potty 3 times in a row, not only did she do this but SHE is the one who told me she had to go. I had a nice afternoon with my mom and grandma.
But this Mother's Day was different, this Mother's Day I felt the heartbreak of those women who are longing to be moms, I felt their pain as we were celebrating the one thing they desire most to be... I also felt so much gratitude that I at least I had my princess at least I am a mother.

Monday at work our hygienist was gone and she had her friend sub in for her. During a down time we started talking and sharing our stories on infertility. She has known since Jr. High that she would never get pregnant. She told me about the process to adopt and how she is going through it right now. Her faith was such a strength to me. I am praying that she is blessed with a baby soon.

Yesterday my Dr. called, he called not his nurse. That impressed me. He told me that the blood test confirmed that I am not ovulating so clomid is our next step. He is also prescribing something to make me bleed incase I don't this month... since clomid needs to be started on day 3-5 of the cycle. I am feeing good about the progress being made. I am worried about what the hormones of Clomid will do to my body... hopefully it doesn't make me too crazy so that Brian will still want to make a baby with me. But I feel like we are moving along and one day will be blessed with our baby. I feel like all the waiting and heartbreak will make me appreciate it more. I know my baby is worth the wait. Wish me (and Brian since he is the one dealing with me) luck!

Insomnia

I can't sleep. Now that I have slept off pain meds and it isn't time for more i am wide awake... Good thing I have the blogger app on my phone... This post may share TMI so read with caution:

Last night was a rough night so my sweet husband got me my hot pad and I slept with that on my belly (which made me hot and I have to sleep with a blanket on so he turned on the fan and may have gotten too cold all on my behalf). 

Today I woke up still in pain, probably more than during the night but with the other office manager recovering from surgery I had to buck up and head in to work. After making my self look as cute as possible while in pain I strapped on my ever so fashionable fanny pack hot pad (the kind you throw in the microwave) and tearfully headed to work. A few hours into work I was hurting and realized that tomorrow was flaking out I asked Dr. Dave if it would be alright with him if I stayed home tomorrow because I was in pain, he took one look at me and said, "of course why don't you head home now? The assistants can cover for you". Now he may drive me bonkers sometimes but I am grateful he is so caring and understanding when it comes to things like this.

Once I got home I called Dr. Lammi's office to let them know I was still in pain and have not ovulated according to the Ovulation Prediction Kit and my BBT. His nurse said she wanted me to be seen and they could do it today or Wednesday. Well Wednesday I had work when they wanted so today it was.

Dr. Lammi was very attentive and understanding, just like he was a month ago. He said that the best way to relieve my pain would be pregnancy or birth control and since I want to get pregnant we should aim for that. He wants me to get started on clomid this next cycle to try to convince my ovaries to cooperate and release an egg. With clomid my risk of cysts does increase and so he wouldn't start me if I already had large ones so he did a vaginal ultrasound where he saw that my lining was thin and multiple cysts were found on both ovaries. He said this may be the causeto my  discomfort but the cysts were in the normal range and it would be safe to start clomid. My cysts had polka dots all over them, polka dots are my favorite pattern so maybe my ovaries are trying to get me to like them... Little do they know if they would do their job I would be so happy with them.

After the ultrasound I had blood work done for a serum progesterone test to see for sure if I didn't ovulate and if I have enough hormones to sustain a pregnancy. I should be getting the results Monday or Tuesday. 

Dr. Lammi is someone I feel that is genuine and wants me to be happy and get pregnant. He is always asking which is more important to me, pain free or pregnant? To which I always respond "pregnant". He is always asking what I think. I like that. 

I am still hurting, I am still frustrated but I am glad I have a Dr. who cares, who listens and who is actively trying to make my life better. 

Perfect Family

I have had a lot of time to think. Yes, I am so beyond frustrated with my body and yes, I am still in pain but I do have faith that everything is going to be more than ok.
Like I have said before, I am a planner, always have been and probably always will be. I get what I want in my head and I figure out the best plan I can. I should learn this never works. My little family started by going against everything I had planned... I swore I would never get engaged after a few weeks, I would never marry someone tall, I would never get married in Utah and I would never ever get married in the winter. What did end up doing? Getting engaged to 6'1" Brian after less than 2 weeks of dating, got married in the Oquirrh Mountain Temple (in Utah) in December. So why would I think my plans of having our kids be no more than 3 years apart be any different? With Emma being 2 and a half now and me not being pregnant there is no way her and our future baby will be less than 3 years apart.
But that's ok since even though all my reasons for this makes perfect sense to me my Heavenly Father is in control and has a far greater plan for my family even though it is tearing me apart inside.
A good example for me of the family you have being more perfect than the family you dreamed of is my mom. For those of you that don't know my mom she loves babies more than anyone! She like me always dreamed of being a mom. She always dreamed of having a dark haired son named Steven Jay (good thing that never happened since Steven Stephens is a mega lame name) but she never had a son. She always dreamed of her dark haired babies but my little sister Lindsey and I were both born bald then grew light colored hair. She always wanted more children but suffered from a stroke when I was 4 and Lindsey was 1 and wasn't supposed to live. Although you would never ever be able to tell she had a stroke by looking at her she was told she would never be able to have more children. This was the most heartbreaking news but my parents started the long, hard adoption process and years and years later my mom finally got her dark haired baby when she went to China and adopted my little sister, Maeley on my 9th birthday.
My mom didn't have her dream family but she got better, she wouldn't trade anything about it.
So here I am snuggling my husband after putting our amazing, beautiful, smart daughter to bed thinking, "I am so blessed, my life isn't what I imagined and isn't perfect but it is perfect for me. Although I want another baby I am grateful for the one I have and am excited to see what The Lord has planned for me and my family!"

frustrated

Today I am so frustrated. This whole tracking thing to make sure I am ovulating is getting to me. BBT is not working, since Emma wakes up randomly and only wants me so waking up and taking my temperature within a half hour each day before getting up is impossible! The whole peeing on a stick is not fun. 1. I have a shy bladder that when you tell it to pee has a hard time 2. I have a small bladder so waiting 4 hours to pee is no fun and 3. I hate seeing the negative test (even though it is just an ovulation test and not pregnancy)

I am so worried I am not ovulating and I am frustrated, I want to cry! I hate being in pain every day and feeling sick, I hate not having a baby. I hate it! I have no idea why I was totally fine with everything until today. I don’t know what caused all this anger, frustration and heart ache. Maybe it was going to Logan yesterday for a friend’s baby blessing and the ward was full of brand new babies or pregnant women… I swear either there is nothing better to do in Logan or there is something in the water because EVERYONE is pregnant… maybe I should move back since I had no problems when I lived there.

Maybe my sister is right and that it is hormones, even though it isn’t that time of the month and according to my pee stick I am not ovulating in the next 24 hours.

Maybe I am a dramatic girl.

Maybe it is Satan trying to discourage me and bring me down. Since that is my biggest weakness is worrying and stressing.

Maybe it is a combination of multiple things or even all of them.