Best Santa ever...

Before you read this please don't pubically post anything about this but if you wanna talk PM on Facebook or text me it leave a comment here... 

Well here it goes. Nov. 29 I asked Santa for a baby... And... 

He sure delivered!

Words can't express how happy we are. I was supposed to have my intake meeting with lds family services for adoption tomorrow. Brian and I both felt I should take a test before we went and paid $1000 for the application. So this morning I got up to pee and took this test. I woke Brian up crying and waving the stick in his face.

I am so beyond happy! I have been feeling since thanksgiving night that now was the time but I denied it because I didn't want to be let down. I also brushed aside any symptoms. 

I am still in shock! Not sure on my exact due date since my period is so messed up but it should be coming in August :)

Hymns

Today my niece got blessed in my parents ward and so we went to their sacrament meeting. Today was also fast Sunday and one of the things we were fasting for was something we have been praying and fasting for for over a year... A baby.

Well the opening hymn was "I believe in Christ" although I was juggle my 3 year old a Lind stood out and spoke to me and the world seemed to pause a moment when we sang the line "and while I strive through grief and pain His voice is heard 'ye shall obtain'" even though my lips had moved on to singing the next part of the song my mind kept repeating that line over and over again.

I am grateful that hymn played and that the spirit was able to touch my heart. My baby will come. Sooner or later...

Adoption

Ever since we got my sister in our arms when I was 9 I had the desire to adopt. In 4th grade I entered an art contest. The theme was "imagine if" and you would fill in the blanks... most kids were saying things like, "imagine if money grew on trees" but not me. I said, "imagine if every child had a loving family" and drew a mom with brown hair and a blonde dad with kids of all different races. What 4th grader thinks like that?
Once I had Emma I thought all my babies would come this easy. I thought they would all take little to no effort... but this year and a few months has proven that I was wrong. Back in December of last year we were in the car on our way to Salt Lake for a wedding reception. I was crying because my period had just started and Brian suggested looking into adoption. I told him not yet, give me more time. Since then we have both felt multiple promptings to look into adoption.So after meeting with the infertility doctor we both felt that we shouldn't pursue any infertility treatments and look into adopting. We have so much love to give and there are so many children that NEED a loving family like us. If I was popping them out like I did with Emma the thought wouldn't cross my mind.
I needed infertility. I needed to learn patients, faith, hope, trust and to just relax. I needed to learn to enjoy what I have and be happy. I needed to learn to count my blessings. I feel I also needed it so I would consider adoption. We have spent hours praying, talking and researching. We feel this is what we should be doing right now in our lives.
Since we made the decision and have told a few people we have had mixed reviews. Some are so ecstatic and excited. They know what a miracle and blessing adoption is and feel that we would make wonderful adoptive parents. Others are not as supportive saying things like "you still have plenty of time no rush" "you are so young time is on your side don't jump into something" OK here is a heads up NEVER EVER EVER Say those things to someone struggling with infertility. You may not mean to offend but those words are hurtful. We are trying to remain positive and inform them that after much prayer we know this is what we should be doing... that kind of shuts them up. I tell Brian that most people weren't supportive of my mom and dad adopting my sister but once they got Maeley everyone loved her and was so happy they chose to adopt. I know that will be the same here. We just need to keep our chins up and have faith.
We know and understand we have a LONG HARD road ahead, and we know that there may be some heartache... but we know that this is right for our family. We know that our baby is waiting and that we will have so much love to share with it. We know that this will be an eternal blessing for our family.
We are starting the process and would ask for your prayers and support.

Spoilers

Well I went to my appointment. I love the dr! Love him! Maybe I can finally replace my Logan dr. This dr wanted to start artificial insemination this cycle. It got me excited! Really really excited! Maybe this would fix our problem and I would get my baby. It was all perfect...

Or was it? There was my other half that wasn't sold. He saw a bunch of dollar signs when I saw baby. He saw my being emotionally destroyed when it didn't work month after month and I saw a baby.

We have spent hours talking, hours crying, hours trying to figure out what to do. 

How is it that he can be so strong? How can he have so much faith? How can it not tear him up inside like it does to me every month when the horrible evidence comes that I am not having a baby.

I get where he is coming from. He is in school full time for his MBA and he is working full time. We are working on being debt free and eliminating debt and here I am wanting to add at least 395/month to do a procedure that at best as a 20% success rate. 

He has also seen me so emotional and upset month after month. Since Brian and I both have agreed no invitro artificial insination is our last hope at pregnancy... If we tossed in hundreds and hundreds of dollars and month after month I got the same results I have been getting I would be ruined. Artificial insemination is our last resort before adoption. I don't know if I could handle that rejection... I just can't bring myself to admit to Brian he might be right... 

I am hurting. Infertility sucks. In every way. It sucks your money away, it sucks your hope away, it sucks your emotions and your strength away, it sucks. This is hands down the hardest most heartbreaking thing. It sucks!!! 

I have said it before and I will say it again. I am a planner. Always have been. I like my life planned out. I like knowing on Tuesdays I do laundry and Wednesdays I grocery shop. I like knowing what tomorrow will bring. I hate change. I hate surprises. I hate the unknown. This is why I read spoilers to the bachelor. I have to know the end before I even see the beginning. Lately I have been using my planning energy on Christmas planning and crafting but all of Christmas is done and I am running low on crafts... Guess I need to go spend a day in michaels and Joann's since Brian prefers when I channel my crazy into something productive not pregnancy planning. 

I guess I am just a wreck. Not sure what to do or where to go. That's all.

sorry I disappeared

It litterally has been forever and a day since I have written... I am sorry. Life has gotten in the way and I have chosen to not focus on my infertility but rather Chanel my crazy into things that are in my control like crafting and Christmas planning... 

Well I am not pregnant. Last month my period started late (again) and broke my heart. While I was shopping with my mom while Brian and my dad were at priesthood session of conference I heard a song by Hilary Weeks that really touched me. It is called "Better promises" look it up. It wAs such a pick me up.

Well like I said I haven't been focussing on "trying" no hormones, no ovulation testing, no temperature taking, no charting... Just relaxing. And for once I am happier and less stressed. I have been soaking up my daughter and trying to keep her little longer despite her becoming more independent by the day.

Tomorrow I am meeting with a fertility specialist... We'll see how that goes. I'm not gonna lie I am really nervous!

I'm ok

I haven't written in forever and I am sorry but I have been soaking up every moment with my baby. She is my whole world. And yesterday I realized that if she ends up being gym only child I am so blessed and I am ok with that. I have a beautiful, perfect daughter and a loving husband. I have it enough for now. 

My desire to have a baby is still strong. We stopped clomid this month, fasted and went to the temple all about our baby. Brian and I both has different promptings that are related. Being off clomid was great! No sickness and my acne went away (until a week ago). I super lightly spotted in cycle day 10 and 18. I am now on cycle day 34. I'm not getting my hopes up. 

I know Heavenly Father is a God of miracles and that they do happen even to me. I know that when it is right my miracle baby will come.

Overwhelmed

Tonight I am overwhelmed with a wave of mixed emotions. Emma loves little figurine toys. She doesn't care what kind she loves them. Her favorite show at the moment is Doc Mcstuffins. So naturally her favorite figurine is Doc. Well today Doc's head fell off. After a few failed super glue and hot file attempts I am heartbroken. Emma went to bed thinking doc would be ok. I searched the Internet for the cheapest, fastest way to get her a replacement. I have never been so grateful to work as I am the next 2 days so Emma won't be home to notice broken doc... I am giving super glue one last shot. Crossing fingers it will be enough to get her by until Saturday when her replacement doc arrives.

Funny how life changes. 4 years ago my day and night would not have been devoted to a 3 inch piece of plastic... But here I am up way past my bedtime working on making this better for my sleeping angel. She is my world and her happiness means everything to me! I don't want to see the heartbreak in her eyes again. She was so upset Doc "needed to rest overnight" how is it that I could careless about my wants and focus 100% on her? I am so grateful for my baby although everyday she grows up a little more.

And keep in mind this is not drugged Hilary talking. The clomid came too late so I am taking a break. Which I am loving no hot flashes and my achne clearing up. :) keep praying for us please. Thank you!

Dear baby,

Right now you are still a dream, a hope for the future but I want you to know that I love you. I have felt you a couple times and know that you are there and that you will be worth it. Right now I am snuggling your sister while daddy sings... And I am wishing you were here on the other side of me. 

I think you and your big sister are both stubborn in different ways. Emma had to come way sooner than expected and you are taking your sweet time. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for you both and that you both have to come at a specific time. 

I can't wait for your turn! I can't wait to feel your little kicks and hiccups inside of me and I can't wait to snuggle you, hold your hand, rock you to sleep and soak up every second with you. Your dad and I want you so bad. Words can't express my heartbreak the past year as I have been trying to have you with no success. Words also can't express the faith I have that it will be ok. You have no idea how much I love you. And you will probably never know until you are in my shoes.

I know that Heavenly Father is a God of miracles. He has performed many in my life and I know that when it is your turn on earth he will perform yet another. I know you have a special spirit and that you will be a huge blessing to our family. As your sister is getting older she is less needy and will be a great big sister. She wants a baby, I want you and so does dad. We love you!

Love,

Mom

No clomid...

Well looks like my dr dropped the ball and never called in my clomid prescription... Meaning after 3 months I am stopping taking it... Not sure how I feel about this. Kinda excited to not have the yucky side effects but worried how this will affect me... But I know my baby will come when it is right. I just need to be patient.

I read a book called, "when your prayers seem unanswered" by S. Michael Wilcox. It was very good and I highly recommend it! He talked about how Heavenly Father is a 4th watch God and we are 1st watch people... He told the story about the apostles on the stormy sea and how Jesus didn't come until the 4th watch. He also said that if we feel we have already reached the 4th watch that we are "tight like unto a dish" and we can stay afloat during the "storm" we are facing.

I feel I just need to relax (I know easier said than done), be patient and have faith. We will be blessed with our child when the time is right. I know that there is another baby and I know that they are worth all of my heartache, all of my pain, all of my sickness, all of the drugs, all of the hormones and all of the waiting. 

The view no one sees

This is the view no one sees (but Brian of course) in front of others I put on a happy face and pretend to be strong (fake it till you make it right?) 

Infertility is literally an emotional roller coaster. When I saw the evidence that my period was starting I was devastated. I called my ob to get more clomid called in (yuck) then tried to call my husband but he was busy with a client at work so I called my mom and bawled. All day I was battling my feelings.

When I got home I just enjoyed my family that I did have. I have something that a lot of women struggling with infertility never have... A beautiful daughter... After I snuggled her to sleep I curled up to my husband on the couch and just relaxed. My dad told me that maybe The Lord is blessing me... When I had to leave Emma to go to work it broke my heart and leaving my brand new baby would tear me apart so maybe He is waiting until Brian is closer to his MBA and gets a better job.

I went to bed ok. But woke up sad. I couldn't help but grieve the loss of this last month. The loss of my idea of the future and a slight loss of hope. My crying woke up Brian. This is hard on him I know. But how can he be so strong? 

I want to quit. I want to give up. But he won't let me.

I was reading an article about a family who's trip to Disney World was ruined with a ton of car problems. In her closing paragraph she wrote this:

I know deep down somewhere that my heartbreak, my pain, my disappointments, my frustrations won't last long and that it will all be worth it. But in the moment... I am hurting, crying and doubting.

Spoke too soon

My period is trying to start. Afterother disappointing   news today this was the straw that broke the camels back. Needless to say I am a bawling wreck right now. 

It has been forever!

Life has just gotten away with me and I haven't had the time (or energy) to blog. I decided to not "try" this month... meaning I wasn't going to frantically chart every single detail... I was going to relax and go with the flow. Which is good because I had enough to stress about...
This month has been a rough one. There has been drama at work causing me to HATE my job and I am looking for another one.
Emma, my little princess, has scared me to death not once but twice and in less than a week! The first time was on one of my days off we were enjoying life savers when she stopped breathing. I freaked out. Then she started crying and coughing so I picked her up and pounded on her back as she was sticking her fingers down her throat until finally she choked/threw up the life saver in my hand. I can't express the fear as I was experiencing that. To be that close to loosing my whole world. The second time we were at my in-law's and she was upstairs I told Brian to go get her. When he got up there he saw that my brother-in-law had left the window open... Well emma had popped out the screen and was chillin in the window sill. HOLY COW!!!!! What would I have down with my self if she fell and was seriously hurt or killed? She means everything to me and really holds our family together. I am so grateful Heavenly Father watched out for my baby and protected her. He is mindful of my little family and cares about us...
Now I am late. Just like last month. I am trying NOT to get my hopes up and relax and just think my body hates me and is just waiting to sneak attack when I least expect it... but I can't help it... I have some hope that this might be it. I guess time will tell. I am too afraid to test right now and get a BFN (big fat nagative) so I am waiting a few days....

Secondary Infertility

This week I learned there is a term for my struggle “Secondary infertility” I had no idea this term existed (although I was fully aware that the problem did) and honestly knowing there is a term out there brings me comfort. It lets me know that I am not alone. There are other people who had a child but are now struggling with infertility. Other women know the pain I feel. My friend who is also experiencing Secondary Infertility as well shared this blog with me… and this is when I learned the term.

http://sayyestohoboken.com/2013/05/our-secondary-infertility-journey-part-2.html

I love every word of her blog! I love that she talks about how having a child makes infertility hard. She talked about my pains with the widening age gap and my worry towards it. She is a complete stranger but I felt like we were friends. She is someone that know exactly how I feel and shared my pains and fears.

Anyway, I decided to keep trying but not “TRY” this month. Meaning of course I am trying for a baby… I mean I didn’t take 150 mg of Clomid for nothing… but I am skipping the peeing on a stick, checking my cervical mucus and taking my temperature. I am skipping charting every detail including when there is a “love connection”

Try or not?

Well I am in my 11 month of trying... And let me tell you. This whole trying thing is so hard... Not like I am saying anything new for those that follow my blog... 

I didn't know that when you were trying you would have intense mood swings, you finally are so strong and then that all comes crashing down.

I didn't know that you dread yet are addicted to going to the bathroom to see when you wipe if there is any blood spots... And that the slightest, tiniest, lightest little spot of pink or brown can send you spiraling down into depression to know it wasn't this month.

I didn't know how time consuming trying was. With all the charting, temperature taking and ovulation testing.

I didn't know that is literally all you think about and they your body craves a baby. I didn't know that all this could create a hysterical pregnancy. 

So now here I am in my 11 month trying to decide... Should I skip the testing, charting, and temperature taking... Forgetting about doing the deed when it is right and instead focus my thoughts and time else where and just doing the dance with my husband when we want? Ugh I hate deciding. Part of me wants to chart like I have never charted before and the other part of me wants to try and relax.

I finished my last dose of clomid yesterday and this round sucked! 150 mg made me feel like a train hit me. I could barely manage to get out of bed to help my daughter. Not looking forward to next month when I am back at 150. 

My mom told me she fasted for me and Brian today. That makes me feel good. If anything I love knowing that people are supportive and wanting this to work out just like me.

Round 3

I hate you clomid! I am not moody on it (thank goodness because I was afraid it would ruin my marriage if I was) but it makes me so sick. This morning I couldn't get out of bed to go get my daughter when she woke up. It took everything I had to take her (and me) to the bathroom and to get us something to eat. I am so dizzy, light headed with slight blurred vision and a terrible headache. I can barely sit up. 

I had a goal to deep clean my house and re-organize, yeah didn't happen. On top of it Emma had a rough day potty training she went weeks with out accidents including two twelve hour car rides to Washington... But today she had 4. Maybe it was my bad for not being more on top of her...

So I called my sister who is my medical questions go to since she is helping her hubby through med school right now... And she told me to call the dr about my side effects but I decided to wait and see how I felt. It never got better so I promised my mom in the morning I will call Dr. Lammi and figure out a game plan.

So on top of being so sick and not even having energy to get grumpy with Brian over nothing like I used to and being so sick I can't move it seems I am hearing more stories from friends or in the news about tragic infant abuse cases... And honestly it makes me angryS how come these people can get pregnant but I can't? I may not be the best mom... I may not have the cleanest house... I may not be the best cook but I am a dang good mom who loves my daughter more than anything and will love my future children the same, yet these people who kill or nearly kill their babies can get pregnant. I guess everyone has their own trials.

Tonight after taking today's dose of my least favorite drug (unless it gets me a baby then it may be my favorite) miss Emma woke up and I heard her door open slowly to see my little princess sleepy eyed. I scooped her up and just snuggled her until she fell asleep (yes I spoil her). As I was holding her I had a feeling like "Hilary it's ok. The Lords plan is better than yours. Emma needs to be your baby right now, she is a very attached girl and this is allowing her to grow up a little so she can be a better big sister."

I am taking things one day at a time. For now I am enjoying laying in my daughter's bed with her head on my shoulder snoring softly. I am tryin to fight my way through the pain of the medication and just tell my self that my baby is worth it. I will wake up assess how I feel and call the Dr. Then work on making sure Emma and I are taken care of and happy. I am so blessed to have her.

I'm a hot mess

I'm on a down mood. I was so up. I was so hopeful. I had so much faith. But now now I don't. Now I am low. Now I am feelin so much pain and despair.

It all started in washigton and was on a steep downward slope. My period was late. Each day that it was late I would get my hopes up more and more... But I never tested... Afraid of getting a big fat negative. Well while visiting with a family friend I used the bathroom and saw a tiny spot... After subtly hinting to my mom that something was wrong we left... And I burst into tears. Then nothing for 2 days... 2 whole days!!! Which again got my hopes up... But on Saturday night the evidence was there... I was not pregnant. It started 6 days late. Emma was sleeping my parents were at a wedding and Brian was home in Utah. I was alone. 

I bawled. I read my scriptures, I read every single bible story about infertility and I read multiple talks in the Ensign some about infertility some about timing.

I called my husband and cried to him. Then I decided I needed to move on.

So I went one day feeling ok and peaceful... But today I woke up with feelings of regret and guilt.

Over a year ago I had a cyst (nothing new) and the dr (who I hate but not for this reason so I stopped seeing him) suggested I start trying now. I knew I wanted one but I knew Brian wasn't ready and that we had prayed and felt it was right. But now I sat and felt that I was being punished for not trying when the dr told me to...

Now my biggest weakness and temptation is my feelings... I was never tempted with drugs, alcohol or sex... But Satan knows that if you get me over thinking things and it can destroy me. 

I called Brian on lunch crying. He shared with me a video with a clip by Preaident Uchdorf and told me to relax what I am feeling is natural. He told me this is hard and that I am having righteous desires and be patient we are being prepared for blessings.

Tonight he gave me a blessing (yes I have received a handful of them since I have been enduring this trial... But I need to boost in faith) I am so grateful for a husband who honors the priesthood and loves me enough to put away the text books and to comfort me when I need it most.

After the blessing which didn't say anything that I have either A. Already been told in blessings B. already been told by my parents or Brian C. Read in the Ensign or scriptures or D. A combination of 2 or more answers. But what it did was comfort my soul and remind me everything is in the Lords hands.

After I read "foret me not" by President Uchdorf. I mainly focused on the "forget not to be happy now" he talks about people waiting for a righteous desire (a golden ticket) but foret to enjoy the candy bar. My golden ticket is more children but I can't overlook the sweet blessing of the child I already have. She is the sweetest, funniest, most gifted, beautiful girl ever... And even if she is my only child she is mine forever! She is the joy of my life and I need to continue to just soak up every second of being her mom. 

I will still continue to hope and pray for my baby but I will be happy with my life now...

"So when is she getting a sibling?"

I am visiting Vancouver, Washington (where I grew up) and I haven't been here since I got married 3.5 years ago. Nearly everyone that sees me and Emma asks what I am sure they are thinking is an innocent question but to me it is pretty loaded, "so when is Emma getting a little brother or sister?" I look at it as I can either 1. Shrug it off and change the subject and cry about it as soon as I am gone 2. Say I don't know or 3. Be honest and tell them we have been trying but are now struggling with infertility. Sure does that make things awkward? For them, Probably, for me this is the least awkward way to go about it. The more people know the situation I am in the more support (and also unwanted advice like "just stop thinking and stressing about it") I get. I now realize to be careful when asking people when they are planningon getting   pregnant because I realize I am one of the few that is open with my struggle and I have had friends message me telling me about their struggle. Not everyone feels as comfortable opening up this hard painful time of their lives but to me it is healing to not be ashamed and just be upfront. 

So just try to keep in mind you don't know who is struggling with infertility and try to be sensitive. :)

Learning to cope with infertility

Yesterday one of my husband's sweet friends from usu sent me a message on FB with a link to an article in the June 2012 Ensign. (The ensign is a magazine published by the LDS church) the article was, "Learning to Cope with Infertility"

By Carolynn R. Spencer. 

http://www.lds.org/ensign/2012/06/learning-to-cope-with-infertility

This whole article spoke straight to my heart and I would fully recommend looking it up and reading it for yourself. 

Until reading this I had no idea how many amazing women in the Bible struggled with infertility, Sarah, Rebekah, Hannah and Elisabeth. The story of Hanna spoke the most to me. The Author of the article said, "I learned from Hannah’s despair that it makes no sense to let gratitude for the blessings we do have be crowded out by sorrow over the one thing we lack. I wondered if Hannah recognized how blessed she was in her marriage, despite her childlessness. Her husband, Elkanah, wondered the same: “Hannah, why weepest thou? and why eatest thou not? and why is thy heart grieved? am not I better to thee than ten sons?” (1 Samuel 1:8)"

Replace Hannah with Hilary and Elkanah with Brian and you have our story. Brian has said almost exactly what Elkanah said to Hannah to me during our struggle. He would feel hurt because he felt I was grateful for the blessings on him and Emma and felt he wasn't good enough. That is so far from the truth and I have been trying to months to show more of my gratitude towards him and Emma. I am glad that we have the scriptures and stories that we can relate to. I am not alone. There are women that have felt what I have and men that have felt Brian's pains. I have learned to find joy in what I have been given- Emma and Brian. If Emma is our only child I am so blessed to have her forever! 

The author talked about how he received confirmation that she needed to be patient and trust in The Lord and His timing. She called her husband saying she wanted him to receive it as well and he replied saying he felt he didn't need one. He always felt this was HER trial to learn to trust The Lord and His timing and stop trying to alter the plan.

Again, replace the names with Hilary and Brian and you've got our story. He has been telling me since we have been trying and I have received priesthood blessings saying that I need to learn to be patient and just trust in my Heavenly Father. 

I am so grateful for this article. Although it came at a time where I am the strongest I have been so far I still needed this and it has made me a better person. Please go read the full article! It is a good one!

Strange day

Today I had not 1 but 2 people tell me they felt like they needed to talk to me... The first was Brian's friend from USU. she sent me an article that was in the ensign a year ago and it did touch me... So much that I will write another post about it.

The second was my cousin who I don't talk to very much at all. She told me she felt prompted to call me. We both talked about our trials and struggles with infertility. And although she has 3 young children close in age she has struggled more than I can imagine.

Although the phone call was so nice an the article was amazing I am now confused as to why now? Why when I have been soon so good and have been so positive is this happening now? Why when I am the strongest I have been in this battle do 2 people finally come forward saying they felt that I needed something? Don't get me wrong... I appreciate it and I loved both acts of kindness and they did bring me strength... Just slightly confused at the timing. 

Progress

So I am making progress. Yesterday we were at a family reunion for Brian's family and his cousin said, "it's time to have another one" (meaning another baby referring to Emma being so big) the old Hilary would have burst into tears... But nope not this time... I didn't even choke them back. I replied in a light hearted tone "yeah I know my ovaries just don't think so." So then I explained my struggle with infertility. And it hit me... I have no reason to be embarrassed or ashamed of my infertility problems. It happens and I have done nothing wrong. 

I have learned to accept my trial and have chosen to not hide my struggle. I am an open book and the more I am open the better I feel about my self and life. It is very therapeutic for me to not hide anything.

Living up to my name

My parents took 3 days after I was born to name me. Nothing seemed to fit that is until they saw Hilary on a hospital bag. Not only was Hilary my mom's favorite soap character because she was so sweet and wouldn't sleep with her boyfriend but it means "happy and cheerful" and since I never cried in the hospital that just had to be my name... Boy were they wrong.

I am emotional, sensitive, dramatic and a worrier. Sure for the most part I am happy but I have moments where I am anything but happy. 

But tonight I am Hilary in every way. I am happy. I am so happy that I married Brian. Yes, he does drive me crazy at times but I am truly blessed. He will do anything to make sure I am happy and taken care of. He makes me laugh every day. I couldn't ask for someone as hard working, fun and amazing as him.

I have Emma. She is my whole world! She brings joy into my life and makes everything perfect by her hugs, smiles and her princess curtsey. She is the sweetest, brightest little girl out there and she is mine forever!

I have a wonderful house in an awesome neighborhood! I have the worlds most comfy bed and more than enough delicious food.

I have a dog that is so loving and sweet and patient when dealing with Emma. 

I have extended family who is so loving and supportive.

I have everything I need and more. I have no reason to complain. Although I may not have everything I want (a baby) I have what I need right now. I am so blessed! I love my life!

Testing...

Next month I am doing digital ovulation test... This whole line test is too hard to read...

For those who have no idea how the ovulation prediction kits work: you pee on a stick and wait for the 2 lines, although unlike with pregnancy tests the darkness of the line matters. It must be the same color or darker as the control line to be positive... Which leads to confusion. I spent a half hour trying to read my first days test and then asked for opinions from my husband, best friend, sister and mom (yeah I realize I am so awkward). Well day 2 (yesterday) I got a for sure darker line... And today I got a darker line too... The darker line shows that with in 24-48 hours you will ovulate...

I just want to save the hassle of misreading the test and forking out more money next month for a clear result... 

These are my first two tests... The line on the left is the line I am comparing to the control line (on the right)

well I did it!

I survived a double dose of clomid. This time I was exhausted (ALL THE TIME), had blurred vision (more so than my normal blindness), dizzy, nauseated, and emotional... but no more emotional than normal Hilary and still possibly better than normal Hilary. Also hot flashes really really suck in a heat wave...
I am still doing overall way better with this whole infertility trial. I am at peace and know that for some reason I am going through this and I will be stronger. I know that my baby will come to our family when the time is right. For now I am just loving my baby (who is now more of a little girl) and living day by day.
Before I met Brian I was overcoming a trial in a different form (a breakup with a guy that I had strong feelings for and thought was the one) and at that time was the hardest thing I had ever gone through. I was heartbroken, hurt, angry and frustrated. I had a wall up to guys that was non-existent before. I had tried to get out there and date after but nothing clicked. Over the summer I spent my time learning to love me. I was an EFY counselor and just enjoyed my time with my family in my home in Washington. I needed the time to learn who I was and I needed to be happy with who I was single before I could get married.
The day before school started I got the message on Facebook that forever changed my life. My friend Becca said she had the perfect guy for me. After talking to her on the phone I got his number. A few texts later and I was meeting Brian at the corner between our apartments and the rest is history.
I had a lesson to learn then. I had to learn to be patient, have faith and be happy. Just like I needed to learn those things before I was ready for Brian I need to learn the exact same things right now. I need to be happy with my life now and my amazing little family, I need to be patient and have faith before I can be ready for my baby.

Round two...

So I am on day 3 of my 2nd round of clomid (but this time around I am takin them at night so I haven't taken my day 3 pills...yet) and this round is different than last month.

Last month I was on 50 mg and loving life. Besides being tired and hot flashes (and then acne and sore boobs after) I had no side effects. I had no mood swings. I was sitting pretty an I loved it.

This month my dose ha been doubled... I now take 100 mg, yup 2 pills a day. And this double dose is a doozy! I am every more tired and I am now experiencing some mood swings... Hopefully I contain myself and not lash out on the mr.

Yesterday I woke up just too tired to even sit up but being a mom I had to force myself to get Emma breakfast. There were battles I chose not to fight like Emma wearing pjs all day even to the store and buyin her boy pull ups.

I found out 3 friends were pregnant... Yup all 3 yesterday... And I went from so excited for the first to jealous, bitter and plain sad for the second and back to being so beyond excited for the 3rd. I am so messed up. I also cried when Emma gave me a big hug and said "mama I love you the most"

Today I had a good long cry... Because my sister is in Texas and I have no idea when or if I will ever meet my niece. My sister Lindsey has always been one of my best friends so this is so so hard on me.

Clomid is not so much my friend right now... My little baby will be worth it I know, but still it can be hard.

Who needs Elmer's when you have Emma?

Emma is the glue to our family. She has been since the moment she was conceived (since we are 95% sure she was a make up baby after a really huge fight... Awkward I know). 

Brian and I did things really fast... Got engaged after 12 days, married 5 days short of 4 months and pregnant  a month later. Doing it that fast made our relationship more difficult. Marriage is hard for everyone but when you fast forward like we did some things that would get ironed out in dating magnify in marriage. On days where it seemed easier to just say, "well that was fun see ya later" (aka divorce) Emma made that not even an option. I mean who wouldn't want to see that adorable face everyday?

So what came first the chicken or the egg? Did we get married and pregnant fast to get Emma or did we get Emma because we got married fast? Yes. I believe whole heartily that we got married fast so that we could be blessed with Emma and that she could come to the earth when she did. I also believe that because we got married fast we needed Emma to keep our eternal perspective when times got tough and to keep our family together. 

When we have fights Emma is the reason we we make up faster. When I am struggling with my infertility moods ema makes me realize how blessed I am. When I start to doubt anything she reassures me that The Lord is mindful of me and has a plan far greater than mine.

Emma has made life hard but she has blessed our marriage and our family more than I could even express. Emma you have pieced me back together when I am falling apart! Emma you are the greatest blessing and I am so grateful for you! I need and learn from you just as much possibly more than you need and learn from me! I love you princess. 

It's a good life

As a teenager I was a big Jesse McCartney fan. One of my favorite songs went, "it's a good life so why y'all trippin" and tonight that song is stuck in my head and the message is loud and clear. I have a good life, why am I trippin?

I have a husband who loves me with everything he has. Even though Clomid has made me break out like I never have he still thinks I am the most beautiful woman. My husband works hard to give me the bet life! He is working full time and on top of that going back to school full time to get his MBA. Although Emma and I miss him like crazy we are grateful for what he does.

I have the most beautiful, smart, loving, funny and amazing daughter. She gives the best hugs and makes me laugh everyday. Her little sense of humor is so cute and she is always singing and dancing. 

I have a house in a great neighborhood and ward. 

I have a dog who is too cute with her ears that are too big for her tiny face and body. And although she is pretty clingy and demands attention and with other dogs she can't think for herself and just stupidly follows the pack and gets in trouble she is the best dog with Emma. Emma will try to carry her, pull her ears and tackle her (of course we encourage softness and try to enforce that with Emma) pebbles just takes it. 

I have a great support in family. 

I have everything that I need to survive. 

I am blessed. My life is far from perfect and is not at all what I would have planned for me but it is for sure a dang good life. 

Beyond emotional.

Today is Father's Day and going right along with my sunbeam lesson, "I have feelings" I have felt a wide range of them.

I woke up grateful. Grateful for Brian and my dad. At church I was overwhelmingly happy as the kids were understanding my lesson and applying it to their lives, the boy who has a hard time coming stayed the whole time and a little girl sat on my lap and gave me big hugs during sharing time.

But now mid day I am depressed. I am using all my strength not to cry. I am upset that my sister, one of my best friends lies so far away and is pregnant with my niece. I am so sad that I will never be close to her (Lindsey and the baby) I am so sad Emma won't eat to know her cousin as well as she know her cousins on Brian's side.

I am sad I am not pregnant. I am sad that I am not ovulating so was put on Clomid that has made me break out worse than I ever have and is making my boobs so unbelievably sensitive.

I am sad that people get disappointed when I say that if Clomid doesn't work I will go to adoption. I am sick of hearing "oh hunny you have lots more options before you have to do that... Like invitro" I am sad that they look down on our decision for what we feel is best for OUR family. 

I am trying to shake it off and just be happy and grateful for the fathers in my life.

Expensive

Man this whole infertility things sucks in every single way. Yesterday I paid my dr and lab bill from my last visit... Since it was all infertility related insurance didn't pay a penny... Meaning I got to foot the over $400 bill. Yippee! 

I guess it could be worse. 

It is no secret I am trying and it is no secret I am having issues. I am an open book and probably share more than people care to know. But since a lot of people know I get lots and lots of questions that I am more than ok with answering.

One I get a lot is what is our plan if clomid doesn't work for us... I have looked into it a little but the answer is clear. My options would be in-vitro or adoption... Both expensive, both not covered by insurance. Brian and I feel adoption would be the right path to our baby if clomid fails. I have always wanted to adopted ever since my little sister was adopted and Brian would love to give a child a loving family that needs it.

I am glad we are finally seeing eye to eye during our struggle with infertility. 

I survived!

I survived my first treatment of clomid. After all the fears of Brian (and me) that it would make me so unbelievably crazy and irrational it did just the opposite! I had no mood swings at all... In fact I felt so steady with my emotions (for the first time ever). Half way through Brian said, "Hilary I don't want to jinx it but I think you are better on clomid than you were off..." He was probably 100% right... Especially after the fit I threw on Monday (the day before I started taking it)

I did have physical side effects: hot flashes, dizzy, nauseated but I would take those over me starting a stupid fight and potentially driving Brian away. 

But I survived! Brian survived! We will see how things go the next week or two after taking the pills... If the treatment doesn't work this month they will be doubling my dose next month (from 50 mg to 100) so I am crossing my fingers that i continue to be happy and in control of my emotions. (and of course am praying that it works quickly) Thank you all you are keeping us in your prayers! I really do appreciate all the love and support.

Sacrifice

As a mom I sacrifice a lot for Emma... And this weekend with all my girly hormones I may have acted irrationally... The whole family went shooting while I stayed home with Emma. I wasn't upset I was home with Emma because we always have a good time and she was ultra cuddly that day, but rather I was upset that I was the only one who has never shot a gun yet I was the one home. I was upset that all that was talked about the rest of the day/weekend was shooting yet I was left out of the conversation because I wasn't there and I couldn't relate because I have never shot a gun. I was left out and grumpy and I think that was ultimately what was making me mad... Not that I was with Emma.

With Emma being 2 and a half I am no stranger to sacrifice. I sacrificed my tiny body for 9 months, I sacrificed my boobs while breast feeding and now after stopping they are way small... I have sacrificed sleep for 2 and a half years and I have sacrificed eating warm dinners. I have recently sacrificed taking long, hot showers alone...Emma loves to take showers with me and we sing rainbow connection the whole time while I hurry to shave and wash my self in between dancing with her.

I am sacrificing staying at home to go to work part time. I sacrifice a lot and sometimes forget to see I am not the only one making sacrifices. 

Brian takes shifts with me on rough nights with Emma so I can get some shut eye. He goes to work full time when he would much rather be with Emma (because let's face it she is the cutest and who wouldn't want to be with her). He sacrifices boy time with his buddies to just be with his girls at home. He is now going back to school for his masters and that is a huge sacrifice. I am grateful for him and all he does for our little family.

Unless you've been there...

Unless you have been in a situation where you are longing for a baby but can't get pregnant you don't know. You don't know that your emotions are off the wall and that one second you can be so happy for people who are pregnant but then that very next pregnancy announcement sends you overboard and you sink back into depression.

Unless you have struggled with infertility you don't know. You don't know how badly it can affect your marriage. You don't know that this tiny little black monster of a word can cause so much stress and strain to your relationship. You don't know the guilt you feel that you can't give your spouse a baby and you don't know the rejection he feels because you "aren't satisfied" with the little family you have.

Unless you have been there you don't know. You don't know that the emotional pain far out weighs the physical pains. 

Unless you have had month after month of getting your hopes up only to have yet another negative pregnancy test and have that completely shatter your day you don't know.

Unless you have had the decision of where to go since the natural way isn't working you don't know. You don't know how scary it is and you don't know how hard it is to make that decision (not that I was ever good at making up my mind on anything). 

Unless you have felt the heartbreak and failure from infertility you don't know. You don't know how lonely it is. You don't know that although you have your best friend by your side he is feeling the same pain you are and it is just as hard on him and then to add seeing you hurt an angry and frustrated only makes it worse for him so you long for someone who can relate, who you can cry to and who can truly understand the pain inside.

I'm sorry for any insensitivity I have shown in the past to anyone suffering through such a heart wrenching trial. I now know and understand how truly difficult it is in every single aspect of your life.

Uplifting Sunday

Today was a great day. I love Sundays! There is nothing like hearing the jr primary belt out "I am a child of God" the spirit was so strong in that room as they prepared for sharing time. 

Then as I was helping my mom get dinner ready she said, "Hilary when you got married my one piece of advice was wait to have kids but you said, 'mom I feel like I have to try, this may be my only chance.' And now with everything you are going through those words keep running through my head. I really feel like you knew what you were doing by going off birth control and getting pregnant with Emma so fast."

I don't remember saying that to her but I do remember feeling the sure prompting that I needed to not prevent pregnancy and that my baby was ready. And then to have Brian have the exact same prompting at the exact same time. I remember it like it was yesterday. And I remembered the comfort as I saw the positive pregnancy test that over powered my fears. 

Emma has by far been my greatest blessing and is such a miracle. I love her in a way I never knew possible!!! Now I know that she is not my only child but I don't know if she is my only biological child. She very well may be my only chance... If she is or is not my only biological child she sure is my strength during my infertility challenge. Knowing that I have been blessed with her brings gratitude where there is envy and resentment, brings faith where there is doubt.

Totally irrational?

So the more people find out about my clomid treatments the more stories I hear. My sister who thinks like a doctor says it is wonderful. A family friend who is so even tempered said it made her very emotional and her sister in law who was already emotional it made her completely irrational, to the point of it was either getting off of clomid or get a divorce.

This scares me. I am so emotional, moody, dramatic, sensitive and irrational as it is... Let alone pumping me full of hormones. I am scared I am going to go completely nuts and either A. make Brian not want to do what needs to be done to make a baby or B. ruin my marriage or C. Both!  So I am asking for your prayers. Pray that I will be able to control my emotions and not go completely and 100% insane. Pray that Brian will be patient and have strength to deal with super crazy Hilary. Pray that clomid will work and will work fast so that mega crazy Hilary won't be around long. 

This is going to take everything with in me but I am going to work hard at not loosing it... My baby is worth it... My baby is worth my pain, my heartache, and all my strength being focused on not being locked up in a padded room. I am stronger than the side effects of clomid... I can do this... The first step is positive thoughts right?

Why?

When struggling with infertility you find yourself asking yourself why? A lot. I know I shouldn't think this way but I admit... I have found myself asking, 

"why could I get pregnant with Emma so fast but now I can't?" 

"Why can people who aren't good parents get pregnant but I cant?"

"Why am I in so much physical pain?"

"Why am I going through this?"

I don't know all the answers and if I continue dwelling on the whys I will do nothing but drive me and my husband crazy.

I have felt like I have some answers to my whys. Emma came when she was needed. And because it took no time at all I had little to no sympathy for those that couldn't get pregnant, sure I felt sorry for them but I didn't get it. I thought that getting pregnant came easy. But now I know how it feels to want scratch that need a baby. I know the heartache I know the pain. I feel extreme sorrow for those that struggle with their first since I at least have my little, beautiful, perfect princess to call mine forever.

I also feel Heavenly Father is testing me and making me better. Like I have said countless times, I am a planner and not patient. I worry about everything! I want everything to be perfect and I make up elaborate plans in my head. 

I live by hypotheticals... I have found myself for the past year saying "we can't do this thing then because I might be pregnant" or "what of I am pregnant then... I don't think we should do it" and this was for countless things... Vacations, activities and such. But I needed to learn to be patient. I needed to learn to have faith and relax and just rely on my Heavenly Father. 

Like I said my whys aren't all answered. There are still questions but I need to focus on what I know and continue to work on being a better wife, mother an person. 

Mother's Day

This Mother's Day was an interesting one for me. It was wonderful, Brian made me breakfast in bed and got me season tickets to see the Aggies play football. One of my sunbeams that has a hard time leaving his parents stayed for the whole lesson and then saw me as we were walking home from church and said "Hi teacher see you next week". Emma went potty in the potty 3 times in a row, not only did she do this but SHE is the one who told me she had to go. I had a nice afternoon with my mom and grandma.
But this Mother's Day was different, this Mother's Day I felt the heartbreak of those women who are longing to be moms, I felt their pain as we were celebrating the one thing they desire most to be... I also felt so much gratitude that I at least I had my princess at least I am a mother.

Monday at work our hygienist was gone and she had her friend sub in for her. During a down time we started talking and sharing our stories on infertility. She has known since Jr. High that she would never get pregnant. She told me about the process to adopt and how she is going through it right now. Her faith was such a strength to me. I am praying that she is blessed with a baby soon.

Yesterday my Dr. called, he called not his nurse. That impressed me. He told me that the blood test confirmed that I am not ovulating so clomid is our next step. He is also prescribing something to make me bleed incase I don't this month... since clomid needs to be started on day 3-5 of the cycle. I am feeing good about the progress being made. I am worried about what the hormones of Clomid will do to my body... hopefully it doesn't make me too crazy so that Brian will still want to make a baby with me. But I feel like we are moving along and one day will be blessed with our baby. I feel like all the waiting and heartbreak will make me appreciate it more. I know my baby is worth the wait. Wish me (and Brian since he is the one dealing with me) luck!

Insomnia

I can't sleep. Now that I have slept off pain meds and it isn't time for more i am wide awake... Good thing I have the blogger app on my phone... This post may share TMI so read with caution:

Last night was a rough night so my sweet husband got me my hot pad and I slept with that on my belly (which made me hot and I have to sleep with a blanket on so he turned on the fan and may have gotten too cold all on my behalf). 

Today I woke up still in pain, probably more than during the night but with the other office manager recovering from surgery I had to buck up and head in to work. After making my self look as cute as possible while in pain I strapped on my ever so fashionable fanny pack hot pad (the kind you throw in the microwave) and tearfully headed to work. A few hours into work I was hurting and realized that tomorrow was flaking out I asked Dr. Dave if it would be alright with him if I stayed home tomorrow because I was in pain, he took one look at me and said, "of course why don't you head home now? The assistants can cover for you". Now he may drive me bonkers sometimes but I am grateful he is so caring and understanding when it comes to things like this.

Once I got home I called Dr. Lammi's office to let them know I was still in pain and have not ovulated according to the Ovulation Prediction Kit and my BBT. His nurse said she wanted me to be seen and they could do it today or Wednesday. Well Wednesday I had work when they wanted so today it was.

Dr. Lammi was very attentive and understanding, just like he was a month ago. He said that the best way to relieve my pain would be pregnancy or birth control and since I want to get pregnant we should aim for that. He wants me to get started on clomid this next cycle to try to convince my ovaries to cooperate and release an egg. With clomid my risk of cysts does increase and so he wouldn't start me if I already had large ones so he did a vaginal ultrasound where he saw that my lining was thin and multiple cysts were found on both ovaries. He said this may be the causeto my  discomfort but the cysts were in the normal range and it would be safe to start clomid. My cysts had polka dots all over them, polka dots are my favorite pattern so maybe my ovaries are trying to get me to like them... Little do they know if they would do their job I would be so happy with them.

After the ultrasound I had blood work done for a serum progesterone test to see for sure if I didn't ovulate and if I have enough hormones to sustain a pregnancy. I should be getting the results Monday or Tuesday. 

Dr. Lammi is someone I feel that is genuine and wants me to be happy and get pregnant. He is always asking which is more important to me, pain free or pregnant? To which I always respond "pregnant". He is always asking what I think. I like that. 

I am still hurting, I am still frustrated but I am glad I have a Dr. who cares, who listens and who is actively trying to make my life better. 

Perfect Family

I have had a lot of time to think. Yes, I am so beyond frustrated with my body and yes, I am still in pain but I do have faith that everything is going to be more than ok.
Like I have said before, I am a planner, always have been and probably always will be. I get what I want in my head and I figure out the best plan I can. I should learn this never works. My little family started by going against everything I had planned... I swore I would never get engaged after a few weeks, I would never marry someone tall, I would never get married in Utah and I would never ever get married in the winter. What did end up doing? Getting engaged to 6'1" Brian after less than 2 weeks of dating, got married in the Oquirrh Mountain Temple (in Utah) in December. So why would I think my plans of having our kids be no more than 3 years apart be any different? With Emma being 2 and a half now and me not being pregnant there is no way her and our future baby will be less than 3 years apart.
But that's ok since even though all my reasons for this makes perfect sense to me my Heavenly Father is in control and has a far greater plan for my family even though it is tearing me apart inside.
A good example for me of the family you have being more perfect than the family you dreamed of is my mom. For those of you that don't know my mom she loves babies more than anyone! She like me always dreamed of being a mom. She always dreamed of having a dark haired son named Steven Jay (good thing that never happened since Steven Stephens is a mega lame name) but she never had a son. She always dreamed of her dark haired babies but my little sister Lindsey and I were both born bald then grew light colored hair. She always wanted more children but suffered from a stroke when I was 4 and Lindsey was 1 and wasn't supposed to live. Although you would never ever be able to tell she had a stroke by looking at her she was told she would never be able to have more children. This was the most heartbreaking news but my parents started the long, hard adoption process and years and years later my mom finally got her dark haired baby when she went to China and adopted my little sister, Maeley on my 9th birthday.
My mom didn't have her dream family but she got better, she wouldn't trade anything about it.
So here I am snuggling my husband after putting our amazing, beautiful, smart daughter to bed thinking, "I am so blessed, my life isn't what I imagined and isn't perfect but it is perfect for me. Although I want another baby I am grateful for the one I have and am excited to see what The Lord has planned for me and my family!"

frustrated

Today I am so frustrated. This whole tracking thing to make sure I am ovulating is getting to me. BBT is not working, since Emma wakes up randomly and only wants me so waking up and taking my temperature within a half hour each day before getting up is impossible! The whole peeing on a stick is not fun. 1. I have a shy bladder that when you tell it to pee has a hard time 2. I have a small bladder so waiting 4 hours to pee is no fun and 3. I hate seeing the negative test (even though it is just an ovulation test and not pregnancy)

I am so worried I am not ovulating and I am frustrated, I want to cry! I hate being in pain every day and feeling sick, I hate not having a baby. I hate it! I have no idea why I was totally fine with everything until today. I don’t know what caused all this anger, frustration and heart ache. Maybe it was going to Logan yesterday for a friend’s baby blessing and the ward was full of brand new babies or pregnant women… I swear either there is nothing better to do in Logan or there is something in the water because EVERYONE is pregnant… maybe I should move back since I had no problems when I lived there.

Maybe my sister is right and that it is hormones, even though it isn’t that time of the month and according to my pee stick I am not ovulating in the next 24 hours.

Maybe I am a dramatic girl.

Maybe it is Satan trying to discourage me and bring me down. Since that is my biggest weakness is worrying and stressing.

Maybe it is a combination of multiple things or even all of them. 

The Mother Connection

Yesterday I was in a lot of pain and was playing double duty at work. A few months ago I was moved from dental assistant to assistant office manager at work but yesterday an assistant was home sick with the flu and so I was asked to wear scrubs and step in when needed. The hygienist was running behind so I was asked to hop in and polish and floss a patient's teeth. This patient was due any second now and so we connected over being a mom. This was her 3rd and she was telling me with her first she tried for 13 months but her last 2 were super fast so I kinda gave her the Reader's Digest version of everything going on and she was like "at least you have your daughter I remember when I was trying for my first when ever someone would bring up being a mom in church I would walk out because it hurt too much"  I have thought lots about that before. I am glad and grateful that I at least have my princess with out her I think that this whole trying thing would be way too hard on me! I have no idea how others do it and feel a huge  respect for them!
We also discussed how we are both spoilers who don't let our kids cry it out. We had the same thoughts and very similar stories when we tried it with our daughters. We both feel that they are only that small once and we want to soak up every second of it, so we rock until they are too big and then snuggle or rub their backs until they fall asleep. Both our husbands sound like they have very similar attitudes by saying, "What every you feel is best for you, the baby and our family is ok with me" I loved that we were random strangers yet could talk to each other like we had been friends for years all because we were moms. Our conversation was short, but it was what I needed to lift my spirits on a painful day.

Faith to not be healed

Today my bishop got up in sacrament meeting to briefly address us about letting faith overcome fear. He spoke about Boston and then about someone who had been married 3 weeks and was diagnosed with terminal cancer. And the person giving him the blessing felt prompted to ask him "Do you have the faith to not be healed? Do you have the faith to completely put your trust in Heavenly Father and His will?"
That spoke straight to my heart. No, I don't have cancer and am very grateful for my health. But do I have the faith to not get pregnant again? And this is the first time I can honestly say "Yes, I am putting all my faith and trust in Heavenly Father." This is the first time since we have been trying that I wasn't completely heartbroken when the evidence that I wasn't pregnant came. This was the first time no tears were shed and this was the first time I felt peace. This was the first time I focused on the blessings I do have and chose to be grateful for them instead of worrying and being depressed over the fact that I wasn't pregnant.
I know that one way or another our family will grow and we will be blessed with more children. I know that I have been blessed with a very sweet, special spirit to raise. I am grateful for the light and joy Emma brings to my life. I am grateful for her simple faith that reminds me to do better. I am grateful for her basic love for the gospel. I am grateful for her happiness, her love for me and her cuddles. I am grateful that my family is sealed together forever.

Dear Brian,

Watching you today on our family date broke my heart. Watching you and Emma play and giggle and then you making faces at the baby in the booth behind us made me feel horrible. You are the best father, and are great with children. I know that you want another baby and I know this is not easy for you.
I'm sorry you married someone who can't give you what you want right now. I'm sorry that you married someone whose baby making parts don't feel like cooperating. I know you say that them being just as stubborn as I am is only fitting, and I know you laugh through pain and keep your head up. I know that your faith is strong.
I am trying not to feel guilty for this because I know that you love me unconditionally and that you love the little family we have now but I can't help it. I can't help for feeling like it is all my fault and you deserve to be with someone who can give you a big family with as many kids as you want and when you want them. I try to be strong. I try to have faith. I love our family and feel so blessed with the amazing, beautiful, smart, funny, sweet daughter that we have... But... I can't help but feel an empty hole... A space that no matter how hard I try to ignore and move on I can't. I can't let go. i feel so bad for you that I got you stuck in all my girl issues. I'm sorry.
I am grateful you are such an amazing man and incredible father and I am grateful that you are being so patient during this trial.
I love you handsome!

Pain and Doubting...

Today is a painful day. Today I am doubting my decision to NOT have surgery yesterday (The Dr’s office had set up an appointment even thought I said not to but I canceled it). Today my uterus is showing me just how much it hates me. Today my cramps are killing me and I am nauseated beyond belief. I know if I would have had surgery I would be in more pain today but perhaps it would have made next month more bearable?

As my handy dandy period tracker app so kindly reminds me, my period is due in 6 days… although I am thinking it could be anywhere from 2-6 days… anyway… My uterus acts up around “ovulation time” (again I use the “” because we aren't sure if my stubborn ovaries are even releasing eggs) and around the monthly time. I am hating this! I hate having terrible periods…

Should I call my dr. and say, “ Never-mind… I want to do surgery get me in ASAP”? Should I hold off and take my BBT and do an ovulation kit followed by a blood test next month (which was my original plan)? Should I see another dr and get a second opinion? Should I just stop trying all together?

I am back to not knowing what to do or what direction to take. I thought I had this all figured out. I thought I knew what was best, but now… now I am not sure.

Holding Off and Holding On...

After weeks of freaking out, being overwhelmed, lots of prayers and long chats with my husband and sister I have to decided to hold off on anything too evasive. My sister who is supporting her husband through medical school and often studies with him would look things up in his text books for me and she feels that now that pesky cyst is gone my body will cooperate (hopefully).
I really don't want to do surgery unless absolutely necessary... I have a very high maintenance two and half year old that would not understand mommy being out of commission for a while... so the least evasive the better.
You can still get pregnant with endometriosis   depending on the severity. So I am holding off and holding on to my faith... my faith that Heavenly Father is in control and my baby will come when the time is right.
I have also been trying to "relax" and "not think about it"...Usually with TTC (trying to conceive) I have been living my life 2 weeks at a time. 2ish weeks from the time my period starts to when I "ovulate" (I say it like that since I have no clue IF  I am even ovulating) to the 2 weeks that my period is supposed to begin. I frantically chart every symptom, every cramp, every spot, every single thing. And then when my period comes the 2 weeks start over. This is the 1st month in 7-8 months that I have been living day by day (yes I still chart significant symptoms because well I am a planner and for future reference) but I haven't been thinking "Ok Hilary you can get pregnant such and such day to such and such day". It has been less stressful and I have been more happy. Holding on to my knowledge that I am loved by my Heavenly Father and that there is a plan and things will be ok has made a world of difference. 

"You feel broken don't you?"

Today I saw the OB-GYN that my doctor referred me to and I was impressed. Although I said I would never go back to Ogden women's clinic I decided to give them one last shot (just not the dr I had seen) his nurse was very friendly and easy to talk to.
When the dr came in and I explained everything he asked "so what are you thinking you want to do?" I was taken back by the question. I have been thinking about this for days and had no idea what I want... So I told him exactly that but I was impressed he cared about what I wanted (since the other dr I had seen didn't)
He then asked, "what is more important to you, to get pregnant or to be pain free?" I started to choke up and spit out "get pregnant" and the tears started coming. He thoughtfully handed me tissues and asked the magic question that completely sold me to him, "you feel broken don't you?" Finally someone who gets it! Someone who understands how bad I am hurting and someone who cares!
He told me the 3 main reasons people don't get pregnant and how we can test for those.
1. You don't ovulate. Even if you have having regular monthly cycles you may not be ovulating so he told me to try ovulation test and/or come in for blood work between day 18-24 of my cycle to see if I ovulated and if my hormone levels are high enough to support a baby.
2. Your tubes are closed off. They push blue dye through your uterus to see if it flows through your tubes.
3. Something is up with the semen.
He says it is likely that my endometriosis has returned but since last time "it was painful but small and wouldn't necessarily prevent pregnancy" he wasn't pushing surgery.
He did a pelvic exam (yuck no fun! I hate those!!!) and said that he couldn't feel any scar tissue.
He gave me lots of hand outs and said he wanted me to get pregnant.
Yes an ob-gyn gave me the time of day before I had been trying a year.
He also showed me pictures of all the exams he could do and really walked me through all my options.
Yes, me with the stubborn ovaries has options! I am so glad he made sure that I was educated and that I was in control. I was so impressed.
After talking with my husband we are going to hold off on surgery. And do the least evasive and expensive options first. We both feel good about the blood test to see if I ovulated and where my hormone levels are. And we will go from there.
Today I feel hope. Hope in the future and hope in my family. I finally have a dr willing to listen and cares. And I have options.

I KNOW ENOUGH

I just got back from the my family practitioner after his exam he said "I think your endometriosis may have returned I want to get you into see an OB-GYN." I tried to hold back the tears. This is my fear, that is has returned and I won't have any more babies (naturally). When I was first diagnosed with endometriosis it was while I was having my appendix removed. They also removed the endometriosis and said that this isn't a permanent fix and it may return. After getting pregnant with Em so fast and now me struggling for over 7 months closer to 8 to get pregnant I know in my heart something is wrong. Also me being sick is also a sign. But I knew an OB wouldn't give me the time of day since it hasn't been a year and I am still young. So I am at least grateful that my dr. is getting me in to an OB to get this checked out on Friday. The only way to know for sure I have endometriosis is to do surgery... and I really don;t want that. So I am hoping and praying the dr. figures something out and we can get this resolved.
When I left the dr. office I called Brian and cried. I kept saying I was sorry for not getting pregnant. I was sorry my body hated me. I was sorry. He was kind and said to just relax and it'll be ok. He said he will go to the appointment with me on Friday if I wanted him to and we will take advantage of our free Papa Johns pizza for dinner.
I am trying not to have a pitty party. I am trying to keep my chin up. I am trying.
I got home and the words from a talk given in General conference in October 2008 ran through my mind "you know enough" So tearfully I pulled up the talk (thank goodness for technology where I can look up past talks online) and this paragraph stood out to me.
"We then remain steady and patient as we progress through mortality. At times, the Lord’s answer will be, “You don’t know everything, but you know enough”—enough to keep the commandments and to do what is right. Remember Nephi’s words: “I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things.” 
 I don't know everything. I don't know why my uterus and ovaries hate me. I don't know why I am not getting pregnant. I don't know why people who are abusive get pregnant. I don't know for sure what is wrong with me. I don't know how I will get my next baby. I don't know when my life will be blessed with my baby. I don't know a lot.
But this I do know:
I know that my Heavenly Father loves me.
I know that He loves my family.
I know that He knows my pain and heartache and desires to have more children.
I know that He has a plan and is in control.
I know that my baby is worth the wait.
I know that Emma is NOT my only child.
I know that Emma is a huge blessing.
I know that Emma came to our family when she was supposed to.
I know that my husband loves me.
I know that things are coming together in many aspects for our family.
I know that my family is eternal and we will be together forever.
I know that I am blessed to have the cutest, smartest, sweetest daughter around (ok I might be biased)
I know that after a trial of our faith comes great blessings.
I know that things will be ok.
I know that my family is being watched over.
I know that our future baby has a purpose on the earth.
I know that I have a purpose on the earth.
I know that I can learn a lot from my daughter who enjoys the little things like climbing the tree in our yard.

I may not know it all but I know enough.

How?

So anyone who knows me knows I am in fact a planner! I hate waiting and I am the least patient person ever (unless it comes to waiting at Disneyland)
So this waiting to have a baby is literally killing me. I was fully expecting to be almost done being pregnant by now, either unpacking all of Emma's baby clothes or buying new ones for a boy (heck I would buy new baby girl clothes too who am I kidding.) But nope... Here I am waiting...
My husband and I have talked about adoption lightly... Just tossed the idea around just incase... I know that Heavenly Father is in control, I know that it will happen when it's right... But what I don't know is HOW it's right...
Ever since we adopted my little sister and I experienced first hand how even though someone wasn't born into your family and may even be from a different country would fit in a family like they were born into it I have wanted to adopt. I have always felt sad for the children who are less fortunate and don't have loving parents. In 4 grade I entered an art contest the theme was, "wouldn't it be great if" most kids finished with something like, "i could fly" "i had a magic genie" "money grew on trees" but i drew two adults, a man and woman holding hands with lots of kids of different races and said "wouldn't it be great if every child had loving parents". Not many 4 graders think like that... But I did.
Yesterday my mom sent me a text saying her neighbor who can't get pregnant and has adopted 2 girls and has 2 foster kids right now "was offered a 2 day old baby girl but could have her because the baby wouldn't have it's own room. The dad of the baby crushed her 2 year old brother's skull and was in the hospital and the mom refused to leave the dad so she rightfully couldn't keep the baby"
At first I was MAD... How come baby killers could be given a baby but I couldn't? And what kind of mother would stay with her husband after nearly killing her son and have her 2 kids taken away?
Then my heart broke. I wanted that baby! And I wanted her now. Problem. Brian an I are not foster parents. And as I have said before, I need to have control of every situation. What would I do and how would I react when the mom "leaves" her husband and the baby who I have loved and taken care of gets ripped out of my hands and heart... And what happens if he goes back to the worthless man and he kills the baby I love?
I can't handle that. Not emotionally. But I can't stop thinking of that baby. I want that baby. I can almost see me holding that baby.
So now I am laying here, feeling sick, and feeling the empty space in my heart not sure of the direction to take. My mom and sister say I am young and I will get pregnant and don't jump to things. But I am not so sure... I know I have felt my baby and I know it will come to our family, but what I don't know is how.

My body is not my friend

So for the past 7 months my periods have been bad. I get so nauseated and light headed. Well the past 3 or so months I have been in a constant state of not feeling well... I cramp ALL the time I am nauseated ALL the time and I am light head almost all the time. I also have headaches more often than I don't.
It has gotten to the point where I can't look up to find charts at work to either pull for a patient or to file insurance EOB's. I know in my heart something is not right...
I am taking a pre-natal and my red and white blood cell count is great. My fear is that my enemy... Endometriosis has decided to come back.
I'm scared, I am sick and my heart breaks... I want all of this to get figured out and FAST! I have an appointment with a doctor that discovered a huge cyst on my right ovary a year ago tomorrow. I am hoping am praying and crossing my fingers and toes something is discovered and that it won't hinder my chances of getting pregnant.
Also I am pretty frustrated. I know it has "only" been 7 month and I am "only" 24 so an ob-gyn won't give me the time of day for 5 more months. I am hoping that if the general dr I am seeing discovers it is in fact a Girly problem he will refer me to an ob-gyn (since I HATE the one I saw last year) or at least a dr will give me the time of day so I can get the ball rolling on making my family bigger.
Guess I just have to wait and see until tomorrow afternoon. Have I ever told you that I hate waiting? Well I do.

Things I am sick of hearing

"It'll happen when you stop thinking about it."

Ok great advice my biggest desire to have another baby but I guess I should just erase that from my mind. Simple! Not! When I am not thinking about Emma (and even sometimes when thinking about her) I am thinking about wanting a baby. How can you take something that your whole body and souls craves and just erase it from your memory? You can't! So stop telling me to stop thinking about it!

"Stop trying and you will have one."

Ok again back to stop thinking about it. My husband and I want another so bad! We have been trying for 7 months! How in the flip are we supposed to stop trying and stop thinking?

"Enjoy trying..."

Do you really think I am just laying there hating every moment of trying? Um no! I love being ummmm intimate with my husband and am enjoying it but thanks for making me feel bad in bed.

"I had no problem getting pregnant"

Yeah thanks for rubbing it in. Neither did I the first time! Things can happen to change that. You rubbing in how fertile you are only makes you come across as insensitive to what I am feeling and makes you seem like you are flaunting your champion baby making skills. Congrats you already have a baby do you want a medal too?

"Are you pregnant yet?" Or "when do you want to have a second?"

I will tell you when and if I ever get pregnant you asking me every month rubs my failure in my face more. If we aren't close enough to talk daily and so you don't know my struggle to get pregnant keep your mouth shut and I will tell you when the blessed day arrives!



Sorry to be so crabby but between pms, heartbreak and frustration you get this.

It happened again...

My period came. Late. How late? Not for sure since last month I spotted for 5 days before my actual period... So either a week or 2 days late. But it came. After having pms bad where I felt nauseated and even threw up. I started to get excited. I got my hopes up and took 2 pregnancy tests (one Wednesday and one today) that both came up negative.
After a great dinner at my moms I saw the evidence of aunt flow knocking on my door. Disappointed I asked my mom for a pad. Then my little sister was saying I would be done having kids by the time she had them... And I lost it. I had tries to be strong, I tried to not cry, but I failed. I bawled and fell onto my parents bed where my mom hugged me and tried to comfort me.
My daughter who is super sensitive was upset that I was sad and started to cry so I had to pull my self together and buck up for her. Also how can I be sad when I have the cutest baby who is so smart and sweet? I really am blessed!
I have decided I am taking a break from trying. I don't want a Christmas baby and so I am done trying for now. I am selfish I know but my anniversary is 6 days before Christmas Eve and if I got pregnant the baby would be due 5 days after... So I don't want a mess of aniverschristmasbirthday... So I am taking a break.
I am going to focus on me. And start working out and stop stressing.

Trying...

The term "trying to get pregnant" has begun to take on multiple meanings for me the past 6 months:
The first is the obvious meaning. We are actively trying to have a baby... I don't think anyone wants details on that... TMI!
The second is trying to have faith and patients. I am a planner. Ask anyone who knows me really really well. I had planned that after our trip to Disneyland last September we would start trying and for sure by November be pregnant... And the latest would be January because my kids would not be over 3 years apart... Well here we are in march and no baby. I struggle each month when aunt flow arrives but no positive pregnancy test. This is a righteous desire to be a mom again and nothing. I am trying to be patient... Trying to have faith... And trying to be strong... So when I say I am trying. I mean... I am trying with everything in me!

Lets start at the very beginning

When I was 15 my "Aunt Flo" decided to make her very first visit. I remember I was so excited! This was something I had learned about and that all my friends had, but me. I felt like I was growing up.
Well needless to say Aunt Flo quickly became a very unwanted guest for me. I could never plan on when she stop by... Sometimes I would go months and months with out a single visit...
Then one day I was 16 I was in excruciating pain. I could barely move. After a visit to the OBGYN I learned I had OVARIAN CYSTS... And this is when I first learned how selfish and stubborn my ovaries were...
As the dr explained that instead of releasing an egg every month my ovaries hold them in a cyst that gets bigger and bigger and eventually ruptures... With tears streaming down my face I choked out the question "will I ever be able to have babies?" The dr replied, "with lots of help. It will take you years to get pregnant, you will need to take your temperature everyday and possibly use fertility drugs". This had me worried the only thing I have ever wanted to be was a mom and now I was learning that it would be very difficult to make that dream a reality.
Years down the road when I was 20 and away at USU I was having constant pain and after 2 trips to the ER and 1 surgery later I was diagnosed with endometriosis and had it removed. I was told the surgery would be good for 2 years but it would be hard for me to get pregnant.
Less than a year later I was on birth control to try to start having periods since i hadn't had one in almost 6 months and i was engaged to my now husband and on our way home from singing at a church fireside we both had the strong feeling our baby was ready and to not prevent pregnancy. We got married in December 2009 and I got off the pill. At the end of January I was feeling sick, fat and grumpy and started to just feel like I was pregnant. On February 8, 2010 those two pink lines showed that I was going to be a mom. I was so excited. On October 7 we were blessed with our beautiful, healthy 5 pound daughter Emma.
It took me a month to get pregnant with her! A month! After I was told it would take years... I figured that all the drs I had ever seen were all wrong about me and my baby making organs were finally going to be my friend. After years and years of them working against me... So when we started trying for baby #2 in September 2012 I was expecting to be pregnant for sure by the end of the year... Here I am in march 2013 still nothing and still heartbroken... So I decided to be productive and instead of venting to my poor husband who tries to "fix" what ever is bothering me and use this blog as a release... A therapeutic way to record my frustration, disappointment, heart break, happiness, blessings and support.
2 days ago it was sunday, I hadn't been feeling well all day. That night as we were putting emma to bed I was suddenly in sever pain. I left her room and tearfully asked brian for a blessing. I went to sit down but couldn't it hurt too bad. My husband then gave me a blessing and then went to put our daughter (who I spoil and needs to be snuggled to fall asleep) to bed. I curled up on the couch unable to even roll over. Brian who was scared kept asking if I needed to go to the ER. I said no because it was too expensive. after being up ALL night in sever pain I called in sick to work and was seen by a doctor. After every test under the sun being performed I was sent to get an ultrasound... suspecting a cyst to be the culprit. sure enough the ultrasound showed fluid around the left ovary meaning I had a cyst rupture... oh good! My cysts are back and my body hates me. I tried to see the positive at least my body was attempting to release eggs meaning I was ovulating... so now the trying continues.