Why?

Today is a bad day... Today I am constantly pushing thoughts out of my head that lead me to depression. I don't like the unknown and I don't like it when I am not in control. Maybe this is yet another reason why I am experiencing this trial. We have trials so make us grow and through my infertility and now miscarriage I have been forced to grow a lot... It's either that or let me be completely consumed in depression and possibly lose the 2 people that mean the most to me (Brian and Emma).

As glad as I am that the dr told me it wasn't a partial molar pregnancy and that I can start trying again once my period starts I am left with questions... What was that yucky bulge? We still don't know... All we know is it was gone but wasn't partial molar. Why did I get the bulge? Is that what killed my baby?

I have to force these thoughts away but it hard. Seeing friends that aren't as far along as I would be having critical health complications yet miraculously they and their baby are fine but my baby is not ok. I would have been 11 weeks today. Almost to the "safe" time... Yet I am empty. I am still a mother of one. 

I can't keep beating myself up. I can't think of all the unknowns and ask why. When I don't think of those I am so at peace. I am so happy. I am so grateful for my angel baby. 

Never say never

I recently told Brian (jokingly) that he ruined my life, yet part of me was serious. Before Brian I could pretty much plan my life... What ever I said was going to happen happened. Yet ever since Brian I have gotten the opposite. I swore I would never marry a guy after knowing him only 4 month, I swore I would never marry someone from Utah IN Utah, I would never get married in the winter and I would never have a baby immediately. Well I got the exact opposite. I married Brian 5 days short of 4 months of knowing him. He is from Utah and we got married in Utah in December. A month after being married little Emma was conceived... And the same trend has continued since. After Emma I thought I would never struggle with infertility... Yet I am... After seeing friend struggle with miscarriages I said that I would never be able to handle losing a baby... Yet I did. 

It has been 19 days since we found out we lost our baby and I think I have grown more than I ever had in the past 2.5 weeks...

I have been so overwhelmed with the outpouring of love we received. It was the prayers and love from our friends and family that helped make this ok. I have had my eyes opened at how many women (and men since it is just as much their baby as the mom's) have suffered through this unexplainable pain. I have also seen how those who don't know how it feels (and I was one of them) just don't know what to say or do. 

The D&C in some ways was better than expected... In some ways it was worse. They had me fill out paperwork and when the question came up "are you pregnant" I choked back tears... And was unsure how to answer the question... Yes I was pregnant but my baby was dead so I circled between the yes and the no. 

They then had me get in the huge tent like hospital gown which of course so nicely showed off my bum to the world. And of course they had me change in the bathroom then walk to the room where they talked to me and have me am IV. The nurse was nice and explained that 1/4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. Yeah that didn't help. The dr came to talk to us and kindly put his hand on my shoulder when he saw me crying only his hand was freezing so it didn't bring much comfort. They then had Brian go wait in the waiting room and I again walked with my bare bum out to the room they performed the D&C... The room was big. My dr was standing awkwardly in the corner by a table full of scary instruments. There was an ultrasound machine in the opposite corner and there were at least 6 people in the room although it felt like more. I am sure it is there policy but the nurse asked my name I was thinking you know my name but I said "Hilary" she then asked what they were going to do to me... Really you ask a mom who just lost her baby and is about to get it surgically removed what you are doing to her?!?!? I didn't answer... I only cried. She wiped my eyes and told me not to cry laying down or the tears would get in my ears. Then her and the anesthesiologist were joking around with each other and the next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room with Brian.

10 min after taking me in that awful room I was done and just like that I was empty. Physically and emotionally. 

Recovery wasn't bad since there weren't any cuts and I was working on recovering emotionally. I can now tell people about my loss with out crying.

Although my baby was only 6 weeks 4 days when it went back to heaven and I was 7 weeks 5 days when I got the news I loved him. I have never met my child but I know him. I know his spirit and I know he loves me. When people say "at least you weren't very far along when you miscarried so you didn't get attached" it stings. I knew the exact day this baby was conceived. I longed for him for well over a year. I have had 2 vivid dreams with him. One the day the baby died and one a few days after I found out. I was attached. Brian was attached. This is our baby. We belive that we have a tender angel baby waiting for us and so grateful to have us as parents.

Today I had my post-op. We got great news. It wasn't a partial molar. Which is amazing news. This was very scary to me and I am so glad that is ruled out. The dr said my bulge was part of the pregnancy and I didn't need to worry about it coming back. He gave us the green light to try after I get my period. I am now taking a baby asprin everyday with my prenatals hoping to reduce the chance of another miscarriage. 

We are stronger now than ever and we look forward to The Lord providing another miracle for us. Emma and this baby were miracles and we know when the next child is ready another miracle will occur. For now I am just soaking up every second with my little Emma and not trying to plan my life out (since that clearly doesn't work and just leads me to be stressed). I am also not dwelling on the "why" I don't know why I lost the baby and I don't need to know. Trying to figure out why and dwelling on that will only depress me. I know enough and I am happy and at peace. For those of you who have or will have misscarriages I pray that you too can find peace and comfort.

My life was finally a Disney movie...

Just not in a good way... 

To explain we need to rewind a little. I have been struggling with infertility for over a year. Brian and I decided to adopt. We were about to officially start the process on our anniversary. Getting the forms and giving them the non-refundable application fee. The day before our anniversary I decided to take a test because I was really late... And there it was... 2 blue lines saying I was pregnant. We couldn't be more excited.

On New Year's Eve we went to the dr and saw our precious miracle, our baby that was measuring 6 weeks 3 days... We saw and heard the strong heartbeat. But we also saw a mysterious bulge in my uterus.

The dr didn't seemed too concerned but I then became high risk and was told to come in weekly.

During the week I received a blessing, said many prayers and went to the temple praying for my baby. I felt peace, I felt it was all ok. 

Thursday came... The day of my appointment. Brian was at work so my mom came with me. I was fully prepared to see no more bulge and a baby that had doubled in size... But what I saw was the bulge and a baby only a day bigger than the previous ultrasound and no heartbeat. My baby had died. I was in shock. I didn't fully hear what the dr was telling me. All I remember is "you need to have the baby surgically removed" "it isn't your fault" thank goodness my mom was there so someone could hear what was being said. 

Here is where my life was a Disney movie...

I sat in the office and sobbed. I wished Brian was there. The dr offered me the DVD to show Brian I told him I didn't want it and to throw it away. My mom then took it and said "Hilary it is your baby. Even if you never watch it again you need to have it"

Then my mom, Emma and the dr left the room so I could put on my pants. The first thing I did was call Brian. He asked if I was sure it was gone. A question I had asked the dr multiple times. Brian broke down and sobbed and left work to come home.

My mom set up my appointment for the D&C since I was in a pure state of shock and not able to think or function... All I could do was cry.

These past few days have been the very worst! The only thing pulling me through is my daughter and my hope and faith in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. Emma has been so strong saying, "mom the baby went home to Jesus it's ok". How is my 3 year old my rock?

I know the exact moment my baby died. The day after my first appointment I had a dream that my baby had died. I believe that was my baby saying it was time to go and goodbye. My baby had only grown a day so it makes sense. 

The day after I found out that my baby had died was my college best friend's wedding. I had been crying so much I had a blinding headache and I missed her sealing. I mustered up the courage and strength to make it to her reception. As soon as she saw me she gave me a big hug and we both cried. Her parents both hugged me saying I didn't need to be there. But I did. This was my best friend. I would have been the ultimate worst friend if I missed this day. But what I hated was that although I was so happy for her I was dying inside. How come the happiest day of her life fell the day after the worst day of mine? I wish I could have been more supportive. 

For now I am trying to cope, trying to manage, trying to be strong for Emma. Some moments I am ok. Others are terrible. My body hasn't gotten the memo that the baby is no longer alive and so I still feel every pregnancy symptom. I still have morning sickness, I still have a strong sense of smell, I'm uncomfortable, my nose is stuffed, I'm bloated. All of these things are tolerable if you know the end result will be good... But I know that mine isn't. I know that I am pregnant with a dead baby. I know that come Tuesday when I have surgery these symptoms will all end. Nights are the worst. I hate falling asleep because I always dream about the baby and losing it. I don't sleep much. I mostly cry in my pillow.

Tuesday will be a very hard day. Part of me is still in denial the baby is dead but that is the day the baby and the bulge that I feel killed my baby get removed. But honestly, after a few days to sort out my emotions and after receiving a priesthood blessing part of me is looking forward to Tuesday, my body will not be pregnant anymore meaning I can finally fully let go... Right now it is hard since I still feel pregnant. I want to move on having faith and not letting this tear me up and keep me in a deep state of depression.

I try not to take blame. I try to tell myself it is not my fault. But I am a person that some how takes blame for everything. If you were to tell me you were in a car accident I would find a way to somehow make it my fault. What is hard is my one job was to protect this baby but ultimately it was something INSIDE me that I couldn't save it from. I am told by everyone it isn't my fault and to stop thinking this way. But it is hard.

The peace I felt was not what I expected. As I said, I fully expected to see no bulge and a baby that had doubled in size (like it was supposed to) but I am learning (I say learning because I still have moments of doubt and weakness) that everything IS ok... That peaceful feeling was what I needed. Although in august I won't have another cute little baby to love I now have a tender little angel baby. This baby is still my miracle. I love this baby so much and am grateful I got to carry it even for only a short time. My mom feels that this bulge needs to be taken care of and this baby was what led us to find it. So this baby may have saved my life. This baby gives me hope in the Plan of Salvation and is making me put my whole faith and trust in my Loving Heavenly Father that it will be made right one day. This baby is letting us show Emma that we can be sad and struggle but that through Christ we can overcome and become stronger. This baby is letting me accept help where normally I wouldn't let people in. This baby is teaching its parents and big sister important lessons and ultimately making us stronger and better. This baby is helping us strengthen our testimony and our faith.

As people have found out I have been so overwhelmed with the huge outpouring of love that has been shown to my family. The flowers, the food, the offers to baby sit, the prayers, the kind words. I am so grateful for all of the kindness and love. Even if I pass up an offer please know that the offer meant the world to me! 

Baby and a Bulge

Well I went to the dr on new years eve... I got to see my little pea of a baby and see the tiny heart beating. I cried when I heard the tiny but strong heart beat. My miracle is growing. I was 6 weeks and 3 days making me due August 23. Meaning I conceived just when I thought I did... Black Friday.
However, I am now considered "high risk"... I am not just growing a tiny baby but an unknown, soft tissue bulge. The Dr. isn't too concerned since there is no blood flow in it but he is having me come in every week until this bulge goes away.
This bulge looks bigger than it really is on the ultrasound but it had me worried. My dad and Brian gave me a priesthood blessing that night. I am so grateful for the priesthood and that I have a dad and a husband who honor the priesthood they hold and are willing to use it to bless my life. The blessing was beautiful and brought me so much comfort. Me and my Christmas miracle are going to be ok. My mom's neighbor and my mother in law put my name on the temple prayer roll. I am so grateful that so many people are praying for this baby.
Last night I had a nightmare... a bad one. About my baby and the bulge. I don't remember much but that it left me scared to death. I am trying to erase it from my memory and just focus on my faith and the feelings I had during the blessing.
I didn't think anyone read this unless I posted it on facebook but I guess my cousins do (Hi guys!) so if there are any other surprise readers if you could keep me, my baby and the bulge in your prayers I would be forever grateful.