Yesterday I was in a lot of pain and was playing double duty at work. A few months ago I was moved from dental assistant to assistant office manager at work but yesterday an assistant was home sick with the flu and so I was asked to wear scrubs and step in when needed. The hygienist was running behind so I was asked to hop in and polish and floss a patient's teeth. This patient was due any second now and so we connected over being a mom. This was her 3rd and she was telling me with her first she tried for 13 months but her last 2 were super fast so I kinda gave her the Reader's Digest version of everything going on and she was like "at least you have your daughter I remember when I was trying for my first when ever someone would bring up being a mom in church I would walk out because it hurt too much" I have thought lots about that before. I am glad and grateful that I at least have my princess with out her I think that this whole trying thing would be way too hard on me! I have no idea how others do it and feel a huge respect for them!
We also discussed how we are both spoilers who don't let our kids cry it out. We had the same thoughts and very similar stories when we tried it with our daughters. We both feel that they are only that small once and we want to soak up every second of it, so we rock until they are too big and then snuggle or rub their backs until they fall asleep. Both our husbands sound like they have very similar attitudes by saying, "What every you feel is best for you, the baby and our family is ok with me" I loved that we were random strangers yet could talk to each other like we had been friends for years all because we were moms. Our conversation was short, but it was what I needed to lift my spirits on a painful day.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Faith to not be healed
Today my bishop got up in sacrament meeting to briefly address us about letting faith overcome fear. He spoke about Boston and then about someone who had been married 3 weeks and was diagnosed with terminal cancer. And the person giving him the blessing felt prompted to ask him "Do you have the faith to not be healed? Do you have the faith to completely put your trust in Heavenly Father and His will?"
That spoke straight to my heart. No, I don't have cancer and am very grateful for my health. But do I have the faith to not get pregnant again? And this is the first time I can honestly say "Yes, I am putting all my faith and trust in Heavenly Father." This is the first time since we have been trying that I wasn't completely heartbroken when the evidence that I wasn't pregnant came. This was the first time no tears were shed and this was the first time I felt peace. This was the first time I focused on the blessings I do have and chose to be grateful for them instead of worrying and being depressed over the fact that I wasn't pregnant.
I know that one way or another our family will grow and we will be blessed with more children. I know that I have been blessed with a very sweet, special spirit to raise. I am grateful for the light and joy Emma brings to my life. I am grateful for her simple faith that reminds me to do better. I am grateful for her basic love for the gospel. I am grateful for her happiness, her love for me and her cuddles. I am grateful that my family is sealed together forever.
That spoke straight to my heart. No, I don't have cancer and am very grateful for my health. But do I have the faith to not get pregnant again? And this is the first time I can honestly say "Yes, I am putting all my faith and trust in Heavenly Father." This is the first time since we have been trying that I wasn't completely heartbroken when the evidence that I wasn't pregnant came. This was the first time no tears were shed and this was the first time I felt peace. This was the first time I focused on the blessings I do have and chose to be grateful for them instead of worrying and being depressed over the fact that I wasn't pregnant.
I know that one way or another our family will grow and we will be blessed with more children. I know that I have been blessed with a very sweet, special spirit to raise. I am grateful for the light and joy Emma brings to my life. I am grateful for her simple faith that reminds me to do better. I am grateful for her basic love for the gospel. I am grateful for her happiness, her love for me and her cuddles. I am grateful that my family is sealed together forever.
Friday, April 19, 2013
Dear Brian,
Watching you today on our family date broke my heart. Watching you and Emma play and giggle and then you making faces at the baby in the booth behind us made me feel horrible. You are the best father, and are great with children. I know that you want another baby and I know this is not easy for you.
I'm sorry you married someone who can't give you what you want right now. I'm sorry that you married someone whose baby making parts don't feel like cooperating. I know you say that them being just as stubborn as I am is only fitting, and I know you laugh through pain and keep your head up. I know that your faith is strong.
I am trying not to feel guilty for this because I know that you love me unconditionally and that you love the little family we have now but I can't help it. I can't help for feeling like it is all my fault and you deserve to be with someone who can give you a big family with as many kids as you want and when you want them. I try to be strong. I try to have faith. I love our family and feel so blessed with the amazing, beautiful, smart, funny, sweet daughter that we have... But... I can't help but feel an empty hole... A space that no matter how hard I try to ignore and move on I can't. I can't let go. i feel so bad for you that I got you stuck in all my girl issues. I'm sorry.
I am grateful you are such an amazing man and incredible father and I am grateful that you are being so patient during this trial.
I love you handsome!
I'm sorry you married someone who can't give you what you want right now. I'm sorry that you married someone whose baby making parts don't feel like cooperating. I know you say that them being just as stubborn as I am is only fitting, and I know you laugh through pain and keep your head up. I know that your faith is strong.
I am trying not to feel guilty for this because I know that you love me unconditionally and that you love the little family we have now but I can't help it. I can't help for feeling like it is all my fault and you deserve to be with someone who can give you a big family with as many kids as you want and when you want them. I try to be strong. I try to have faith. I love our family and feel so blessed with the amazing, beautiful, smart, funny, sweet daughter that we have... But... I can't help but feel an empty hole... A space that no matter how hard I try to ignore and move on I can't. I can't let go. i feel so bad for you that I got you stuck in all my girl issues. I'm sorry.
I am grateful you are such an amazing man and incredible father and I am grateful that you are being so patient during this trial.
I love you handsome!
Pain and Doubting...
Today is a painful day. Today I am doubting my decision to
NOT have surgery yesterday (The Dr’s office had set up an appointment even
thought I said not to but I canceled it). Today my uterus is showing me just
how much it hates me. Today my cramps are killing me and I am nauseated beyond
belief. I know if I would have had surgery I would be in more pain today but perhaps
it would have made next month more bearable?
As my handy dandy period tracker app so kindly reminds me,
my period is due in 6 days… although I am thinking it could be anywhere from
2-6 days… anyway… My uterus acts up around “ovulation time” (again I use the “”
because we aren't sure if my stubborn ovaries are even releasing eggs) and
around the monthly time. I am hating this! I hate having terrible periods…
Should I call my dr. and say, “ Never-mind… I want to do
surgery get me in ASAP”? Should I hold off and take my BBT and do an ovulation
kit followed by a blood test next month (which was my original plan)? Should I
see another dr and get a second opinion? Should I just stop trying all
together?
I am back to not knowing what to do or what direction to
take. I thought I had this all figured out. I thought I knew what was best, but
now… now I am not sure.
Monday, April 15, 2013
Holding Off and Holding On...
After weeks of freaking out, being overwhelmed, lots of prayers and long chats with my husband and sister I have to decided to hold off on anything too evasive. My sister who is supporting her husband through medical school and often studies with him would look things up in his text books for me and she feels that now that pesky cyst is gone my body will cooperate (hopefully).
I really don't want to do surgery unless absolutely necessary... I have a very high maintenance two and half year old that would not understand mommy being out of commission for a while... so the least evasive the better.
You can still get pregnant with endometriosis depending on the severity. So I am holding off and holding on to my faith... my faith that Heavenly Father is in control and my baby will come when the time is right.
I have also been trying to "relax" and "not think about it"...Usually with TTC (trying to conceive) I have been living my life 2 weeks at a time. 2ish weeks from the time my period starts to when I "ovulate" (I say it like that since I have no clue IF I am even ovulating) to the 2 weeks that my period is supposed to begin. I frantically chart every symptom, every cramp, every spot, every single thing. And then when my period comes the 2 weeks start over. This is the 1st month in 7-8 months that I have been living day by day (yes I still chart significant symptoms because well I am a planner and for future reference) but I haven't been thinking "Ok Hilary you can get pregnant such and such day to such and such day". It has been less stressful and I have been more happy. Holding on to my knowledge that I am loved by my Heavenly Father and that there is a plan and things will be ok has made a world of difference.
I really don't want to do surgery unless absolutely necessary... I have a very high maintenance two and half year old that would not understand mommy being out of commission for a while... so the least evasive the better.
You can still get pregnant with endometriosis depending on the severity. So I am holding off and holding on to my faith... my faith that Heavenly Father is in control and my baby will come when the time is right.
I have also been trying to "relax" and "not think about it"...Usually with TTC (trying to conceive) I have been living my life 2 weeks at a time. 2ish weeks from the time my period starts to when I "ovulate" (I say it like that since I have no clue IF I am even ovulating) to the 2 weeks that my period is supposed to begin. I frantically chart every symptom, every cramp, every spot, every single thing. And then when my period comes the 2 weeks start over. This is the 1st month in 7-8 months that I have been living day by day (yes I still chart significant symptoms because well I am a planner and for future reference) but I haven't been thinking "Ok Hilary you can get pregnant such and such day to such and such day". It has been less stressful and I have been more happy. Holding on to my knowledge that I am loved by my Heavenly Father and that there is a plan and things will be ok has made a world of difference.
Friday, April 5, 2013
"You feel broken don't you?"
Today I saw the OB-GYN that my doctor referred me to and I was impressed. Although I said I would never go back to Ogden women's clinic I decided to give them one last shot (just not the dr I had seen) his nurse was very friendly and easy to talk to.
When the dr came in and I explained everything he asked "so what are you thinking you want to do?" I was taken back by the question. I have been thinking about this for days and had no idea what I want... So I told him exactly that but I was impressed he cared about what I wanted (since the other dr I had seen didn't)
He then asked, "what is more important to you, to get pregnant or to be pain free?" I started to choke up and spit out "get pregnant" and the tears started coming. He thoughtfully handed me tissues and asked the magic question that completely sold me to him, "you feel broken don't you?" Finally someone who gets it! Someone who understands how bad I am hurting and someone who cares!
He told me the 3 main reasons people don't get pregnant and how we can test for those.
1. You don't ovulate. Even if you have having regular monthly cycles you may not be ovulating so he told me to try ovulation test and/or come in for blood work between day 18-24 of my cycle to see if I ovulated and if my hormone levels are high enough to support a baby.
2. Your tubes are closed off. They push blue dye through your uterus to see if it flows through your tubes.
3. Something is up with the semen.
He says it is likely that my endometriosis has returned but since last time "it was painful but small and wouldn't necessarily prevent pregnancy" he wasn't pushing surgery.
He did a pelvic exam (yuck no fun! I hate those!!!) and said that he couldn't feel any scar tissue.
He gave me lots of hand outs and said he wanted me to get pregnant.
Yes an ob-gyn gave me the time of day before I had been trying a year.
He also showed me pictures of all the exams he could do and really walked me through all my options.
Yes, me with the stubborn ovaries has options! I am so glad he made sure that I was educated and that I was in control. I was so impressed.
After talking with my husband we are going to hold off on surgery. And do the least evasive and expensive options first. We both feel good about the blood test to see if I ovulated and where my hormone levels are. And we will go from there.
Today I feel hope. Hope in the future and hope in my family. I finally have a dr willing to listen and cares. And I have options.
When the dr came in and I explained everything he asked "so what are you thinking you want to do?" I was taken back by the question. I have been thinking about this for days and had no idea what I want... So I told him exactly that but I was impressed he cared about what I wanted (since the other dr I had seen didn't)
He then asked, "what is more important to you, to get pregnant or to be pain free?" I started to choke up and spit out "get pregnant" and the tears started coming. He thoughtfully handed me tissues and asked the magic question that completely sold me to him, "you feel broken don't you?" Finally someone who gets it! Someone who understands how bad I am hurting and someone who cares!
He told me the 3 main reasons people don't get pregnant and how we can test for those.
1. You don't ovulate. Even if you have having regular monthly cycles you may not be ovulating so he told me to try ovulation test and/or come in for blood work between day 18-24 of my cycle to see if I ovulated and if my hormone levels are high enough to support a baby.
2. Your tubes are closed off. They push blue dye through your uterus to see if it flows through your tubes.
3. Something is up with the semen.
He says it is likely that my endometriosis has returned but since last time "it was painful but small and wouldn't necessarily prevent pregnancy" he wasn't pushing surgery.
He did a pelvic exam (yuck no fun! I hate those!!!) and said that he couldn't feel any scar tissue.
He gave me lots of hand outs and said he wanted me to get pregnant.
Yes an ob-gyn gave me the time of day before I had been trying a year.
He also showed me pictures of all the exams he could do and really walked me through all my options.
Yes, me with the stubborn ovaries has options! I am so glad he made sure that I was educated and that I was in control. I was so impressed.
After talking with my husband we are going to hold off on surgery. And do the least evasive and expensive options first. We both feel good about the blood test to see if I ovulated and where my hormone levels are. And we will go from there.
Today I feel hope. Hope in the future and hope in my family. I finally have a dr willing to listen and cares. And I have options.
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
I KNOW ENOUGH
I just got back from the my family practitioner after his exam he said "I think your endometriosis may have returned I want to get you into see an OB-GYN." I tried to hold back the tears. This is my fear, that is has returned and I won't have any more babies (naturally). When I was first diagnosed with endometriosis it was while I was having my appendix removed. They also removed the endometriosis and said that this isn't a permanent fix and it may return. After getting pregnant with Em so fast and now me struggling for over 7 months closer to 8 to get pregnant I know in my heart something is wrong. Also me being sick is also a sign. But I knew an OB wouldn't give me the time of day since it hasn't been a year and I am still young. So I am at least grateful that my dr. is getting me in to an OB to get this checked out on Friday. The only way to know for sure I have endometriosis is to do surgery... and I really don;t want that. So I am hoping and praying the dr. figures something out and we can get this resolved.
When I left the dr. office I called Brian and cried. I kept saying I was sorry for not getting pregnant. I was sorry my body hated me. I was sorry. He was kind and said to just relax and it'll be ok. He said he will go to the appointment with me on Friday if I wanted him to and we will take advantage of our free Papa Johns pizza for dinner.
I am trying not to have a pitty party. I am trying to keep my chin up. I am trying.
I got home and the words from a talk given in General conference in October 2008 ran through my mind "you know enough" So tearfully I pulled up the talk (thank goodness for technology where I can look up past talks online) and this paragraph stood out to me.
"We then remain steady and patient as we progress through mortality. At times, the Lord’s answer will be, “You don’t know everything, but you know enough”—enough to keep the commandments and to do what is right. Remember Nephi’s words: “I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things.”
I don't know everything. I don't know why my uterus and ovaries hate me. I don't know why I am not getting pregnant. I don't know why people who are abusive get pregnant. I don't know for sure what is wrong with me. I don't know how I will get my next baby. I don't know when my life will be blessed with my baby. I don't know a lot.
But this I do know:
I know that my Heavenly Father loves me.
I know that He loves my family.
I know that He knows my pain and heartache and desires to have more children.
I know that He has a plan and is in control.
I know that my baby is worth the wait.
I know that Emma is NOT my only child.
I know that Emma is a huge blessing.
I know that Emma came to our family when she was supposed to.
I know that my husband loves me.
I know that things are coming together in many aspects for our family.
I know that my family is eternal and we will be together forever.
I know that I am blessed to have the cutest, smartest, sweetest daughter around (ok I might be biased)
I know that after a trial of our faith comes great blessings.
I know that things will be ok.
I know that my family is being watched over.
I know that our future baby has a purpose on the earth.
I know that I have a purpose on the earth.
I know that I can learn a lot from my daughter who enjoys the little things like climbing the tree in our yard.
I may not know it all but I know enough.
When I left the dr. office I called Brian and cried. I kept saying I was sorry for not getting pregnant. I was sorry my body hated me. I was sorry. He was kind and said to just relax and it'll be ok. He said he will go to the appointment with me on Friday if I wanted him to and we will take advantage of our free Papa Johns pizza for dinner.
I am trying not to have a pitty party. I am trying to keep my chin up. I am trying.
I got home and the words from a talk given in General conference in October 2008 ran through my mind "you know enough" So tearfully I pulled up the talk (thank goodness for technology where I can look up past talks online) and this paragraph stood out to me.
"We then remain steady and patient as we progress through mortality. At times, the Lord’s answer will be, “You don’t know everything, but you know enough”—enough to keep the commandments and to do what is right. Remember Nephi’s words: “I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things.”
I don't know everything. I don't know why my uterus and ovaries hate me. I don't know why I am not getting pregnant. I don't know why people who are abusive get pregnant. I don't know for sure what is wrong with me. I don't know how I will get my next baby. I don't know when my life will be blessed with my baby. I don't know a lot.
But this I do know:
I know that my Heavenly Father loves me.
I know that He loves my family.
I know that He knows my pain and heartache and desires to have more children.
I know that He has a plan and is in control.
I know that my baby is worth the wait.
I know that Emma is NOT my only child.
I know that Emma is a huge blessing.
I know that Emma came to our family when she was supposed to.
I know that my husband loves me.
I know that things are coming together in many aspects for our family.
I know that my family is eternal and we will be together forever.
I know that I am blessed to have the cutest, smartest, sweetest daughter around (ok I might be biased)
I know that after a trial of our faith comes great blessings.
I know that things will be ok.
I know that my family is being watched over.
I know that our future baby has a purpose on the earth.
I know that I have a purpose on the earth.
I know that I can learn a lot from my daughter who enjoys the little things like climbing the tree in our yard.
I may not know it all but I know enough.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
How?
So anyone who knows me knows I am in fact a planner! I hate waiting and I am the least patient person ever (unless it comes to waiting at Disneyland)
So this waiting to have a baby is literally killing me. I was fully expecting to be almost done being pregnant by now, either unpacking all of Emma's baby clothes or buying new ones for a boy (heck I would buy new baby girl clothes too who am I kidding.) But nope... Here I am waiting...
My husband and I have talked about adoption lightly... Just tossed the idea around just incase... I know that Heavenly Father is in control, I know that it will happen when it's right... But what I don't know is HOW it's right...
Ever since we adopted my little sister and I experienced first hand how even though someone wasn't born into your family and may even be from a different country would fit in a family like they were born into it I have wanted to adopt. I have always felt sad for the children who are less fortunate and don't have loving parents. In 4 grade I entered an art contest the theme was, "wouldn't it be great if" most kids finished with something like, "i could fly" "i had a magic genie" "money grew on trees" but i drew two adults, a man and woman holding hands with lots of kids of different races and said "wouldn't it be great if every child had loving parents". Not many 4 graders think like that... But I did.
Yesterday my mom sent me a text saying her neighbor who can't get pregnant and has adopted 2 girls and has 2 foster kids right now "was offered a 2 day old baby girl but could have her because the baby wouldn't have it's own room. The dad of the baby crushed her 2 year old brother's skull and was in the hospital and the mom refused to leave the dad so she rightfully couldn't keep the baby"
At first I was MAD... How come baby killers could be given a baby but I couldn't? And what kind of mother would stay with her husband after nearly killing her son and have her 2 kids taken away?
Then my heart broke. I wanted that baby! And I wanted her now. Problem. Brian an I are not foster parents. And as I have said before, I need to have control of every situation. What would I do and how would I react when the mom "leaves" her husband and the baby who I have loved and taken care of gets ripped out of my hands and heart... And what happens if he goes back to the worthless man and he kills the baby I love?
I can't handle that. Not emotionally. But I can't stop thinking of that baby. I want that baby. I can almost see me holding that baby.
So now I am laying here, feeling sick, and feeling the empty space in my heart not sure of the direction to take. My mom and sister say I am young and I will get pregnant and don't jump to things. But I am not so sure... I know I have felt my baby and I know it will come to our family, but what I don't know is how.
So this waiting to have a baby is literally killing me. I was fully expecting to be almost done being pregnant by now, either unpacking all of Emma's baby clothes or buying new ones for a boy (heck I would buy new baby girl clothes too who am I kidding.) But nope... Here I am waiting...
My husband and I have talked about adoption lightly... Just tossed the idea around just incase... I know that Heavenly Father is in control, I know that it will happen when it's right... But what I don't know is HOW it's right...
Ever since we adopted my little sister and I experienced first hand how even though someone wasn't born into your family and may even be from a different country would fit in a family like they were born into it I have wanted to adopt. I have always felt sad for the children who are less fortunate and don't have loving parents. In 4 grade I entered an art contest the theme was, "wouldn't it be great if" most kids finished with something like, "i could fly" "i had a magic genie" "money grew on trees" but i drew two adults, a man and woman holding hands with lots of kids of different races and said "wouldn't it be great if every child had loving parents". Not many 4 graders think like that... But I did.
Yesterday my mom sent me a text saying her neighbor who can't get pregnant and has adopted 2 girls and has 2 foster kids right now "was offered a 2 day old baby girl but could have her because the baby wouldn't have it's own room. The dad of the baby crushed her 2 year old brother's skull and was in the hospital and the mom refused to leave the dad so she rightfully couldn't keep the baby"
At first I was MAD... How come baby killers could be given a baby but I couldn't? And what kind of mother would stay with her husband after nearly killing her son and have her 2 kids taken away?
Then my heart broke. I wanted that baby! And I wanted her now. Problem. Brian an I are not foster parents. And as I have said before, I need to have control of every situation. What would I do and how would I react when the mom "leaves" her husband and the baby who I have loved and taken care of gets ripped out of my hands and heart... And what happens if he goes back to the worthless man and he kills the baby I love?
I can't handle that. Not emotionally. But I can't stop thinking of that baby. I want that baby. I can almost see me holding that baby.
So now I am laying here, feeling sick, and feeling the empty space in my heart not sure of the direction to take. My mom and sister say I am young and I will get pregnant and don't jump to things. But I am not so sure... I know I have felt my baby and I know it will come to our family, but what I don't know is how.
My body is not my friend
So for the past 7 months my periods have been bad. I get so nauseated and light headed. Well the past 3 or so months I have been in a constant state of not feeling well... I cramp ALL the time I am nauseated ALL the time and I am light head almost all the time. I also have headaches more often than I don't.
It has gotten to the point where I can't look up to find charts at work to either pull for a patient or to file insurance EOB's. I know in my heart something is not right...
I am taking a pre-natal and my red and white blood cell count is great. My fear is that my enemy... Endometriosis has decided to come back.
I'm scared, I am sick and my heart breaks... I want all of this to get figured out and FAST! I have an appointment with a doctor that discovered a huge cyst on my right ovary a year ago tomorrow. I am hoping am praying and crossing my fingers and toes something is discovered and that it won't hinder my chances of getting pregnant.
Also I am pretty frustrated. I know it has "only" been 7 month and I am "only" 24 so an ob-gyn won't give me the time of day for 5 more months. I am hoping that if the general dr I am seeing discovers it is in fact a Girly problem he will refer me to an ob-gyn (since I HATE the one I saw last year) or at least a dr will give me the time of day so I can get the ball rolling on making my family bigger.
Guess I just have to wait and see until tomorrow afternoon. Have I ever told you that I hate waiting? Well I do.
It has gotten to the point where I can't look up to find charts at work to either pull for a patient or to file insurance EOB's. I know in my heart something is not right...
I am taking a pre-natal and my red and white blood cell count is great. My fear is that my enemy... Endometriosis has decided to come back.
I'm scared, I am sick and my heart breaks... I want all of this to get figured out and FAST! I have an appointment with a doctor that discovered a huge cyst on my right ovary a year ago tomorrow. I am hoping am praying and crossing my fingers and toes something is discovered and that it won't hinder my chances of getting pregnant.
Also I am pretty frustrated. I know it has "only" been 7 month and I am "only" 24 so an ob-gyn won't give me the time of day for 5 more months. I am hoping that if the general dr I am seeing discovers it is in fact a Girly problem he will refer me to an ob-gyn (since I HATE the one I saw last year) or at least a dr will give me the time of day so I can get the ball rolling on making my family bigger.
Guess I just have to wait and see until tomorrow afternoon. Have I ever told you that I hate waiting? Well I do.
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