Overwhelmed

Tonight I am overwhelmed with a wave of mixed emotions. Emma loves little figurine toys. She doesn't care what kind she loves them. Her favorite show at the moment is Doc Mcstuffins. So naturally her favorite figurine is Doc. Well today Doc's head fell off. After a few failed super glue and hot file attempts I am heartbroken. Emma went to bed thinking doc would be ok. I searched the Internet for the cheapest, fastest way to get her a replacement. I have never been so grateful to work as I am the next 2 days so Emma won't be home to notice broken doc... I am giving super glue one last shot. Crossing fingers it will be enough to get her by until Saturday when her replacement doc arrives.

Funny how life changes. 4 years ago my day and night would not have been devoted to a 3 inch piece of plastic... But here I am up way past my bedtime working on making this better for my sleeping angel. She is my world and her happiness means everything to me! I don't want to see the heartbreak in her eyes again. She was so upset Doc "needed to rest overnight" how is it that I could careless about my wants and focus 100% on her? I am so grateful for my baby although everyday she grows up a little more.

And keep in mind this is not drugged Hilary talking. The clomid came too late so I am taking a break. Which I am loving no hot flashes and my achne clearing up. :) keep praying for us please. Thank you!

Dear baby,

Right now you are still a dream, a hope for the future but I want you to know that I love you. I have felt you a couple times and know that you are there and that you will be worth it. Right now I am snuggling your sister while daddy sings... And I am wishing you were here on the other side of me. 

I think you and your big sister are both stubborn in different ways. Emma had to come way sooner than expected and you are taking your sweet time. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for you both and that you both have to come at a specific time. 

I can't wait for your turn! I can't wait to feel your little kicks and hiccups inside of me and I can't wait to snuggle you, hold your hand, rock you to sleep and soak up every second with you. Your dad and I want you so bad. Words can't express my heartbreak the past year as I have been trying to have you with no success. Words also can't express the faith I have that it will be ok. You have no idea how much I love you. And you will probably never know until you are in my shoes.

I know that Heavenly Father is a God of miracles. He has performed many in my life and I know that when it is your turn on earth he will perform yet another. I know you have a special spirit and that you will be a huge blessing to our family. As your sister is getting older she is less needy and will be a great big sister. She wants a baby, I want you and so does dad. We love you!

Love,

Mom

No clomid...

Well looks like my dr dropped the ball and never called in my clomid prescription... Meaning after 3 months I am stopping taking it... Not sure how I feel about this. Kinda excited to not have the yucky side effects but worried how this will affect me... But I know my baby will come when it is right. I just need to be patient.

I read a book called, "when your prayers seem unanswered" by S. Michael Wilcox. It was very good and I highly recommend it! He talked about how Heavenly Father is a 4th watch God and we are 1st watch people... He told the story about the apostles on the stormy sea and how Jesus didn't come until the 4th watch. He also said that if we feel we have already reached the 4th watch that we are "tight like unto a dish" and we can stay afloat during the "storm" we are facing.

I feel I just need to relax (I know easier said than done), be patient and have faith. We will be blessed with our child when the time is right. I know that there is another baby and I know that they are worth all of my heartache, all of my pain, all of my sickness, all of the drugs, all of the hormones and all of the waiting.