Round two...

So I am on day 3 of my 2nd round of clomid (but this time around I am takin them at night so I haven't taken my day 3 pills...yet) and this round is different than last month.

Last month I was on 50 mg and loving life. Besides being tired and hot flashes (and then acne and sore boobs after) I had no side effects. I had no mood swings. I was sitting pretty an I loved it.

This month my dose ha been doubled... I now take 100 mg, yup 2 pills a day. And this double dose is a doozy! I am every more tired and I am now experiencing some mood swings... Hopefully I contain myself and not lash out on the mr.

Yesterday I woke up just too tired to even sit up but being a mom I had to force myself to get Emma breakfast. There were battles I chose not to fight like Emma wearing pjs all day even to the store and buyin her boy pull ups.

I found out 3 friends were pregnant... Yup all 3 yesterday... And I went from so excited for the first to jealous, bitter and plain sad for the second and back to being so beyond excited for the 3rd. I am so messed up. I also cried when Emma gave me a big hug and said "mama I love you the most"

Today I had a good long cry... Because my sister is in Texas and I have no idea when or if I will ever meet my niece. My sister Lindsey has always been one of my best friends so this is so so hard on me.

Clomid is not so much my friend right now... My little baby will be worth it I know, but still it can be hard.

Who needs Elmer's when you have Emma?

Emma is the glue to our family. She has been since the moment she was conceived (since we are 95% sure she was a make up baby after a really huge fight... Awkward I know). 

Brian and I did things really fast... Got engaged after 12 days, married 5 days short of 4 months and pregnant  a month later. Doing it that fast made our relationship more difficult. Marriage is hard for everyone but when you fast forward like we did some things that would get ironed out in dating magnify in marriage. On days where it seemed easier to just say, "well that was fun see ya later" (aka divorce) Emma made that not even an option. I mean who wouldn't want to see that adorable face everyday?

So what came first the chicken or the egg? Did we get married and pregnant fast to get Emma or did we get Emma because we got married fast? Yes. I believe whole heartily that we got married fast so that we could be blessed with Emma and that she could come to the earth when she did. I also believe that because we got married fast we needed Emma to keep our eternal perspective when times got tough and to keep our family together. 

When we have fights Emma is the reason we we make up faster. When I am struggling with my infertility moods ema makes me realize how blessed I am. When I start to doubt anything she reassures me that The Lord is mindful of me and has a plan far greater than mine.

Emma has made life hard but she has blessed our marriage and our family more than I could even express. Emma you have pieced me back together when I am falling apart! Emma you are the greatest blessing and I am so grateful for you! I need and learn from you just as much possibly more than you need and learn from me! I love you princess. 

It's a good life

As a teenager I was a big Jesse McCartney fan. One of my favorite songs went, "it's a good life so why y'all trippin" and tonight that song is stuck in my head and the message is loud and clear. I have a good life, why am I trippin?

I have a husband who loves me with everything he has. Even though Clomid has made me break out like I never have he still thinks I am the most beautiful woman. My husband works hard to give me the bet life! He is working full time and on top of that going back to school full time to get his MBA. Although Emma and I miss him like crazy we are grateful for what he does.

I have the most beautiful, smart, loving, funny and amazing daughter. She gives the best hugs and makes me laugh everyday. Her little sense of humor is so cute and she is always singing and dancing. 

I have a house in a great neighborhood and ward. 

I have a dog who is too cute with her ears that are too big for her tiny face and body. And although she is pretty clingy and demands attention and with other dogs she can't think for herself and just stupidly follows the pack and gets in trouble she is the best dog with Emma. Emma will try to carry her, pull her ears and tackle her (of course we encourage softness and try to enforce that with Emma) pebbles just takes it. 

I have a great support in family. 

I have everything that I need to survive. 

I am blessed. My life is far from perfect and is not at all what I would have planned for me but it is for sure a dang good life. 

Beyond emotional.

Today is Father's Day and going right along with my sunbeam lesson, "I have feelings" I have felt a wide range of them.

I woke up grateful. Grateful for Brian and my dad. At church I was overwhelmingly happy as the kids were understanding my lesson and applying it to their lives, the boy who has a hard time coming stayed the whole time and a little girl sat on my lap and gave me big hugs during sharing time.

But now mid day I am depressed. I am using all my strength not to cry. I am upset that my sister, one of my best friends lies so far away and is pregnant with my niece. I am so sad that I will never be close to her (Lindsey and the baby) I am so sad Emma won't eat to know her cousin as well as she know her cousins on Brian's side.

I am sad I am not pregnant. I am sad that I am not ovulating so was put on Clomid that has made me break out worse than I ever have and is making my boobs so unbelievably sensitive.

I am sad that people get disappointed when I say that if Clomid doesn't work I will go to adoption. I am sick of hearing "oh hunny you have lots more options before you have to do that... Like invitro" I am sad that they look down on our decision for what we feel is best for OUR family. 

I am trying to shake it off and just be happy and grateful for the fathers in my life.

Expensive

Man this whole infertility things sucks in every single way. Yesterday I paid my dr and lab bill from my last visit... Since it was all infertility related insurance didn't pay a penny... Meaning I got to foot the over $400 bill. Yippee! 

I guess it could be worse. 

It is no secret I am trying and it is no secret I am having issues. I am an open book and probably share more than people care to know. But since a lot of people know I get lots and lots of questions that I am more than ok with answering.

One I get a lot is what is our plan if clomid doesn't work for us... I have looked into it a little but the answer is clear. My options would be in-vitro or adoption... Both expensive, both not covered by insurance. Brian and I feel adoption would be the right path to our baby if clomid fails. I have always wanted to adopted ever since my little sister was adopted and Brian would love to give a child a loving family that needs it.

I am glad we are finally seeing eye to eye during our struggle with infertility. 

I survived!

I survived my first treatment of clomid. After all the fears of Brian (and me) that it would make me so unbelievably crazy and irrational it did just the opposite! I had no mood swings at all... In fact I felt so steady with my emotions (for the first time ever). Half way through Brian said, "Hilary I don't want to jinx it but I think you are better on clomid than you were off..." He was probably 100% right... Especially after the fit I threw on Monday (the day before I started taking it)

I did have physical side effects: hot flashes, dizzy, nauseated but I would take those over me starting a stupid fight and potentially driving Brian away. 

But I survived! Brian survived! We will see how things go the next week or two after taking the pills... If the treatment doesn't work this month they will be doubling my dose next month (from 50 mg to 100) so I am crossing my fingers that i continue to be happy and in control of my emotions. (and of course am praying that it works quickly) Thank you all you are keeping us in your prayers! I really do appreciate all the love and support.