I'm a hot mess

I'm on a down mood. I was so up. I was so hopeful. I had so much faith. But now now I don't. Now I am low. Now I am feelin so much pain and despair.

It all started in washigton and was on a steep downward slope. My period was late. Each day that it was late I would get my hopes up more and more... But I never tested... Afraid of getting a big fat negative. Well while visiting with a family friend I used the bathroom and saw a tiny spot... After subtly hinting to my mom that something was wrong we left... And I burst into tears. Then nothing for 2 days... 2 whole days!!! Which again got my hopes up... But on Saturday night the evidence was there... I was not pregnant. It started 6 days late. Emma was sleeping my parents were at a wedding and Brian was home in Utah. I was alone. 

I bawled. I read my scriptures, I read every single bible story about infertility and I read multiple talks in the Ensign some about infertility some about timing.

I called my husband and cried to him. Then I decided I needed to move on.

So I went one day feeling ok and peaceful... But today I woke up with feelings of regret and guilt.

Over a year ago I had a cyst (nothing new) and the dr (who I hate but not for this reason so I stopped seeing him) suggested I start trying now. I knew I wanted one but I knew Brian wasn't ready and that we had prayed and felt it was right. But now I sat and felt that I was being punished for not trying when the dr told me to...

Now my biggest weakness and temptation is my feelings... I was never tempted with drugs, alcohol or sex... But Satan knows that if you get me over thinking things and it can destroy me. 

I called Brian on lunch crying. He shared with me a video with a clip by Preaident Uchdorf and told me to relax what I am feeling is natural. He told me this is hard and that I am having righteous desires and be patient we are being prepared for blessings.

Tonight he gave me a blessing (yes I have received a handful of them since I have been enduring this trial... But I need to boost in faith) I am so grateful for a husband who honors the priesthood and loves me enough to put away the text books and to comfort me when I need it most.

After the blessing which didn't say anything that I have either A. Already been told in blessings B. already been told by my parents or Brian C. Read in the Ensign or scriptures or D. A combination of 2 or more answers. But what it did was comfort my soul and remind me everything is in the Lords hands.

After I read "foret me not" by President Uchdorf. I mainly focused on the "forget not to be happy now" he talks about people waiting for a righteous desire (a golden ticket) but foret to enjoy the candy bar. My golden ticket is more children but I can't overlook the sweet blessing of the child I already have. She is the sweetest, funniest, most gifted, beautiful girl ever... And even if she is my only child she is mine forever! She is the joy of my life and I need to continue to just soak up every second of being her mom. 

I will still continue to hope and pray for my baby but I will be happy with my life now...

"So when is she getting a sibling?"

I am visiting Vancouver, Washington (where I grew up) and I haven't been here since I got married 3.5 years ago. Nearly everyone that sees me and Emma asks what I am sure they are thinking is an innocent question but to me it is pretty loaded, "so when is Emma getting a little brother or sister?" I look at it as I can either 1. Shrug it off and change the subject and cry about it as soon as I am gone 2. Say I don't know or 3. Be honest and tell them we have been trying but are now struggling with infertility. Sure does that make things awkward? For them, Probably, for me this is the least awkward way to go about it. The more people know the situation I am in the more support (and also unwanted advice like "just stop thinking and stressing about it") I get. I now realize to be careful when asking people when they are planningon getting   pregnant because I realize I am one of the few that is open with my struggle and I have had friends message me telling me about their struggle. Not everyone feels as comfortable opening up this hard painful time of their lives but to me it is healing to not be ashamed and just be upfront. 

So just try to keep in mind you don't know who is struggling with infertility and try to be sensitive. :)

Learning to cope with infertility

Yesterday one of my husband's sweet friends from usu sent me a message on FB with a link to an article in the June 2012 Ensign. (The ensign is a magazine published by the LDS church) the article was, "Learning to Cope with Infertility"

By Carolynn R. Spencer. 

http://www.lds.org/ensign/2012/06/learning-to-cope-with-infertility

This whole article spoke straight to my heart and I would fully recommend looking it up and reading it for yourself. 

Until reading this I had no idea how many amazing women in the Bible struggled with infertility, Sarah, Rebekah, Hannah and Elisabeth. The story of Hanna spoke the most to me. The Author of the article said, "I learned from Hannah’s despair that it makes no sense to let gratitude for the blessings we do have be crowded out by sorrow over the one thing we lack. I wondered if Hannah recognized how blessed she was in her marriage, despite her childlessness. Her husband, Elkanah, wondered the same: “Hannah, why weepest thou? and why eatest thou not? and why is thy heart grieved? am not I better to thee than ten sons?” (1 Samuel 1:8)"

Replace Hannah with Hilary and Elkanah with Brian and you have our story. Brian has said almost exactly what Elkanah said to Hannah to me during our struggle. He would feel hurt because he felt I was grateful for the blessings on him and Emma and felt he wasn't good enough. That is so far from the truth and I have been trying to months to show more of my gratitude towards him and Emma. I am glad that we have the scriptures and stories that we can relate to. I am not alone. There are women that have felt what I have and men that have felt Brian's pains. I have learned to find joy in what I have been given- Emma and Brian. If Emma is our only child I am so blessed to have her forever! 

The author talked about how he received confirmation that she needed to be patient and trust in The Lord and His timing. She called her husband saying she wanted him to receive it as well and he replied saying he felt he didn't need one. He always felt this was HER trial to learn to trust The Lord and His timing and stop trying to alter the plan.

Again, replace the names with Hilary and Brian and you've got our story. He has been telling me since we have been trying and I have received priesthood blessings saying that I need to learn to be patient and just trust in my Heavenly Father. 

I am so grateful for this article. Although it came at a time where I am the strongest I have been so far I still needed this and it has made me a better person. Please go read the full article! It is a good one!

Strange day

Today I had not 1 but 2 people tell me they felt like they needed to talk to me... The first was Brian's friend from USU. she sent me an article that was in the ensign a year ago and it did touch me... So much that I will write another post about it.

The second was my cousin who I don't talk to very much at all. She told me she felt prompted to call me. We both talked about our trials and struggles with infertility. And although she has 3 young children close in age she has struggled more than I can imagine.

Although the phone call was so nice an the article was amazing I am now confused as to why now? Why when I have been soon so good and have been so positive is this happening now? Why when I am the strongest I have been in this battle do 2 people finally come forward saying they felt that I needed something? Don't get me wrong... I appreciate it and I loved both acts of kindness and they did bring me strength... Just slightly confused at the timing. 

Progress

So I am making progress. Yesterday we were at a family reunion for Brian's family and his cousin said, "it's time to have another one" (meaning another baby referring to Emma being so big) the old Hilary would have burst into tears... But nope not this time... I didn't even choke them back. I replied in a light hearted tone "yeah I know my ovaries just don't think so." So then I explained my struggle with infertility. And it hit me... I have no reason to be embarrassed or ashamed of my infertility problems. It happens and I have done nothing wrong. 

I have learned to accept my trial and have chosen to not hide my struggle. I am an open book and the more I am open the better I feel about my self and life. It is very therapeutic for me to not hide anything.

Living up to my name

My parents took 3 days after I was born to name me. Nothing seemed to fit that is until they saw Hilary on a hospital bag. Not only was Hilary my mom's favorite soap character because she was so sweet and wouldn't sleep with her boyfriend but it means "happy and cheerful" and since I never cried in the hospital that just had to be my name... Boy were they wrong.

I am emotional, sensitive, dramatic and a worrier. Sure for the most part I am happy but I have moments where I am anything but happy. 

But tonight I am Hilary in every way. I am happy. I am so happy that I married Brian. Yes, he does drive me crazy at times but I am truly blessed. He will do anything to make sure I am happy and taken care of. He makes me laugh every day. I couldn't ask for someone as hard working, fun and amazing as him.

I have Emma. She is my whole world! She brings joy into my life and makes everything perfect by her hugs, smiles and her princess curtsey. She is the sweetest, brightest little girl out there and she is mine forever!

I have a wonderful house in an awesome neighborhood! I have the worlds most comfy bed and more than enough delicious food.

I have a dog that is so loving and sweet and patient when dealing with Emma. 

I have extended family who is so loving and supportive.

I have everything I need and more. I have no reason to complain. Although I may not have everything I want (a baby) I have what I need right now. I am so blessed! I love my life!

Testing...

Next month I am doing digital ovulation test... This whole line test is too hard to read...

For those who have no idea how the ovulation prediction kits work: you pee on a stick and wait for the 2 lines, although unlike with pregnancy tests the darkness of the line matters. It must be the same color or darker as the control line to be positive... Which leads to confusion. I spent a half hour trying to read my first days test and then asked for opinions from my husband, best friend, sister and mom (yeah I realize I am so awkward). Well day 2 (yesterday) I got a for sure darker line... And today I got a darker line too... The darker line shows that with in 24-48 hours you will ovulate...

I just want to save the hassle of misreading the test and forking out more money next month for a clear result... 

These are my first two tests... The line on the left is the line I am comparing to the control line (on the right)

well I did it!

I survived a double dose of clomid. This time I was exhausted (ALL THE TIME), had blurred vision (more so than my normal blindness), dizzy, nauseated, and emotional... but no more emotional than normal Hilary and still possibly better than normal Hilary. Also hot flashes really really suck in a heat wave...
I am still doing overall way better with this whole infertility trial. I am at peace and know that for some reason I am going through this and I will be stronger. I know that my baby will come to our family when the time is right. For now I am just loving my baby (who is now more of a little girl) and living day by day.
Before I met Brian I was overcoming a trial in a different form (a breakup with a guy that I had strong feelings for and thought was the one) and at that time was the hardest thing I had ever gone through. I was heartbroken, hurt, angry and frustrated. I had a wall up to guys that was non-existent before. I had tried to get out there and date after but nothing clicked. Over the summer I spent my time learning to love me. I was an EFY counselor and just enjoyed my time with my family in my home in Washington. I needed the time to learn who I was and I needed to be happy with who I was single before I could get married.
The day before school started I got the message on Facebook that forever changed my life. My friend Becca said she had the perfect guy for me. After talking to her on the phone I got his number. A few texts later and I was meeting Brian at the corner between our apartments and the rest is history.
I had a lesson to learn then. I had to learn to be patient, have faith and be happy. Just like I needed to learn those things before I was ready for Brian I need to learn the exact same things right now. I need to be happy with my life now and my amazing little family, I need to be patient and have faith before I can be ready for my baby.