I am finally recovering, both emotionally and physically. My body had a period meaning it was fully recovered and was ready to start trying for baby number 3 (although I only have one earthly baby my little angel baby is just as much mine as Emma is). I am now to the point where I don't feel jealous, bitter, angry or depressed when I see that friends are pregnant. I no longer cry when I see ultrasounds of people that were due around the same time. I do get sad to know that we would be finding out the gender and start officially prepping his arrival but I know he is in heaven prepping our arrival instead.
Our little family needed a break, we needed to get away and recover emotionally. This was hard on all 3 of us so we did what any Disney Addict would do... We took our adoption fund (since we no longer qualified with LDS since we got pregnant we were not infertile anymore) and went to Disneyland, our happy place. We made memories with the daughter we have been blessed to raise on earth and soaked up very second with her.
Having a miscarriage is hard. It is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. But I had a choice. I had a choice to let this destroy me or to strengthen me. I chose the latter.
I'm not going to lie infertility made me crazy! It was way too emotionally draining and stressful and it nearly ruined me. It put a strain on my marriage and my relationship with Emma. Let's face it I was focused on bringing another baby to the world and not on the one I had. Yes, I still played with her, loved her and spoiled her but part of her mom was missing. Part of her mom was mentally in a sad, dark place... A place of not being happy with how life was. And that wasn't fair to her or Brian.
I cried a lot when we lost the baby. A lot. But there was no way I was going to let that ruin me or my family. I was better than that. So I picked up the pieces of my broken heart and changed my perspective. I started seeing the blessings:
1. I changed dr's to an office that saw patients early in pregnancy and had an ultrasound every appointment.
2. I decided to take the earliest appointment offered and I got to see and hear my precious little miracle's strong heartbeat.
3. My baby lived just long enough to see the heartbeat to let me know that it was there, it was alive, there was really a baby in there before passing on.
4. I have pictures and a movie of my baby when it was still alive that I can look back on (I have the pictures on my fridge but the movie is still sitting there waiting for me if I ever want to watch it... So far I haven't had the strength to)
5. Brian and I were sealed in the temple so our family is together forever. It doesn't end after death.
6. It gave me a new perspective on parenting and made me so much more grateful for my beautiful daughter.
7. It helped me strengthened friendships with those who were there for me and/or have been where I have.
8. It helped me learn to be patient, to relax, to not be focused on my plan but having trust and faith in a loving Heavenly Father.
9. My baby was able to visit me in a dream and say goodbye as he was dying and he came to me again a few days after we found out.
10. It has strengthened my relationship with Brian.
There are so many other blessings that have come through this very dark time.
Now what? The doctor gave me the option of using fertility drugs, doing a follicle check and the shot to induce ovulation but I decided not to put myself through that again. Emotionally I can't handle it. I got pregnant twice when I wasn't really trying, just not preventing, The Lord knows my heart and desires and when the time is right I believe that our family will be blessed with another little baby. For now I am loving my life as an earthly family of 3 and moving forward with faith.
No comments:
Post a Comment