My life was finally a Disney movie...

Just not in a good way... 

To explain we need to rewind a little. I have been struggling with infertility for over a year. Brian and I decided to adopt. We were about to officially start the process on our anniversary. Getting the forms and giving them the non-refundable application fee. The day before our anniversary I decided to take a test because I was really late... And there it was... 2 blue lines saying I was pregnant. We couldn't be more excited.

On New Year's Eve we went to the dr and saw our precious miracle, our baby that was measuring 6 weeks 3 days... We saw and heard the strong heartbeat. But we also saw a mysterious bulge in my uterus.

The dr didn't seemed too concerned but I then became high risk and was told to come in weekly.

During the week I received a blessing, said many prayers and went to the temple praying for my baby. I felt peace, I felt it was all ok. 

Thursday came... The day of my appointment. Brian was at work so my mom came with me. I was fully prepared to see no more bulge and a baby that had doubled in size... But what I saw was the bulge and a baby only a day bigger than the previous ultrasound and no heartbeat. My baby had died. I was in shock. I didn't fully hear what the dr was telling me. All I remember is "you need to have the baby surgically removed" "it isn't your fault" thank goodness my mom was there so someone could hear what was being said. 

Here is where my life was a Disney movie...

I sat in the office and sobbed. I wished Brian was there. The dr offered me the DVD to show Brian I told him I didn't want it and to throw it away. My mom then took it and said "Hilary it is your baby. Even if you never watch it again you need to have it"

Then my mom, Emma and the dr left the room so I could put on my pants. The first thing I did was call Brian. He asked if I was sure it was gone. A question I had asked the dr multiple times. Brian broke down and sobbed and left work to come home.

My mom set up my appointment for the D&C since I was in a pure state of shock and not able to think or function... All I could do was cry.

These past few days have been the very worst! The only thing pulling me through is my daughter and my hope and faith in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. Emma has been so strong saying, "mom the baby went home to Jesus it's ok". How is my 3 year old my rock?

I know the exact moment my baby died. The day after my first appointment I had a dream that my baby had died. I believe that was my baby saying it was time to go and goodbye. My baby had only grown a day so it makes sense. 

The day after I found out that my baby had died was my college best friend's wedding. I had been crying so much I had a blinding headache and I missed her sealing. I mustered up the courage and strength to make it to her reception. As soon as she saw me she gave me a big hug and we both cried. Her parents both hugged me saying I didn't need to be there. But I did. This was my best friend. I would have been the ultimate worst friend if I missed this day. But what I hated was that although I was so happy for her I was dying inside. How come the happiest day of her life fell the day after the worst day of mine? I wish I could have been more supportive. 

For now I am trying to cope, trying to manage, trying to be strong for Emma. Some moments I am ok. Others are terrible. My body hasn't gotten the memo that the baby is no longer alive and so I still feel every pregnancy symptom. I still have morning sickness, I still have a strong sense of smell, I'm uncomfortable, my nose is stuffed, I'm bloated. All of these things are tolerable if you know the end result will be good... But I know that mine isn't. I know that I am pregnant with a dead baby. I know that come Tuesday when I have surgery these symptoms will all end. Nights are the worst. I hate falling asleep because I always dream about the baby and losing it. I don't sleep much. I mostly cry in my pillow.

Tuesday will be a very hard day. Part of me is still in denial the baby is dead but that is the day the baby and the bulge that I feel killed my baby get removed. But honestly, after a few days to sort out my emotions and after receiving a priesthood blessing part of me is looking forward to Tuesday, my body will not be pregnant anymore meaning I can finally fully let go... Right now it is hard since I still feel pregnant. I want to move on having faith and not letting this tear me up and keep me in a deep state of depression.

I try not to take blame. I try to tell myself it is not my fault. But I am a person that some how takes blame for everything. If you were to tell me you were in a car accident I would find a way to somehow make it my fault. What is hard is my one job was to protect this baby but ultimately it was something INSIDE me that I couldn't save it from. I am told by everyone it isn't my fault and to stop thinking this way. But it is hard.

The peace I felt was not what I expected. As I said, I fully expected to see no bulge and a baby that had doubled in size (like it was supposed to) but I am learning (I say learning because I still have moments of doubt and weakness) that everything IS ok... That peaceful feeling was what I needed. Although in august I won't have another cute little baby to love I now have a tender little angel baby. This baby is still my miracle. I love this baby so much and am grateful I got to carry it even for only a short time. My mom feels that this bulge needs to be taken care of and this baby was what led us to find it. So this baby may have saved my life. This baby gives me hope in the Plan of Salvation and is making me put my whole faith and trust in my Loving Heavenly Father that it will be made right one day. This baby is letting us show Emma that we can be sad and struggle but that through Christ we can overcome and become stronger. This baby is letting me accept help where normally I wouldn't let people in. This baby is teaching its parents and big sister important lessons and ultimately making us stronger and better. This baby is helping us strengthen our testimony and our faith.

As people have found out I have been so overwhelmed with the huge outpouring of love that has been shown to my family. The flowers, the food, the offers to baby sit, the prayers, the kind words. I am so grateful for all of the kindness and love. Even if I pass up an offer please know that the offer meant the world to me!