Spoilers

Well I went to my appointment. I love the dr! Love him! Maybe I can finally replace my Logan dr. This dr wanted to start artificial insemination this cycle. It got me excited! Really really excited! Maybe this would fix our problem and I would get my baby. It was all perfect...

Or was it? There was my other half that wasn't sold. He saw a bunch of dollar signs when I saw baby. He saw my being emotionally destroyed when it didn't work month after month and I saw a baby.

We have spent hours talking, hours crying, hours trying to figure out what to do. 

How is it that he can be so strong? How can he have so much faith? How can it not tear him up inside like it does to me every month when the horrible evidence comes that I am not having a baby.

I get where he is coming from. He is in school full time for his MBA and he is working full time. We are working on being debt free and eliminating debt and here I am wanting to add at least 395/month to do a procedure that at best as a 20% success rate. 

He has also seen me so emotional and upset month after month. Since Brian and I both have agreed no invitro artificial insination is our last hope at pregnancy... If we tossed in hundreds and hundreds of dollars and month after month I got the same results I have been getting I would be ruined. Artificial insemination is our last resort before adoption. I don't know if I could handle that rejection... I just can't bring myself to admit to Brian he might be right... 

I am hurting. Infertility sucks. In every way. It sucks your money away, it sucks your hope away, it sucks your emotions and your strength away, it sucks. This is hands down the hardest most heartbreaking thing. It sucks!!! 

I have said it before and I will say it again. I am a planner. Always have been. I like my life planned out. I like knowing on Tuesdays I do laundry and Wednesdays I grocery shop. I like knowing what tomorrow will bring. I hate change. I hate surprises. I hate the unknown. This is why I read spoilers to the bachelor. I have to know the end before I even see the beginning. Lately I have been using my planning energy on Christmas planning and crafting but all of Christmas is done and I am running low on crafts... Guess I need to go spend a day in michaels and Joann's since Brian prefers when I channel my crazy into something productive not pregnancy planning. 

I guess I am just a wreck. Not sure what to do or where to go. That's all.