I'm a hot mess

I'm on a down mood. I was so up. I was so hopeful. I had so much faith. But now now I don't. Now I am low. Now I am feelin so much pain and despair.

It all started in washigton and was on a steep downward slope. My period was late. Each day that it was late I would get my hopes up more and more... But I never tested... Afraid of getting a big fat negative. Well while visiting with a family friend I used the bathroom and saw a tiny spot... After subtly hinting to my mom that something was wrong we left... And I burst into tears. Then nothing for 2 days... 2 whole days!!! Which again got my hopes up... But on Saturday night the evidence was there... I was not pregnant. It started 6 days late. Emma was sleeping my parents were at a wedding and Brian was home in Utah. I was alone. 

I bawled. I read my scriptures, I read every single bible story about infertility and I read multiple talks in the Ensign some about infertility some about timing.

I called my husband and cried to him. Then I decided I needed to move on.

So I went one day feeling ok and peaceful... But today I woke up with feelings of regret and guilt.

Over a year ago I had a cyst (nothing new) and the dr (who I hate but not for this reason so I stopped seeing him) suggested I start trying now. I knew I wanted one but I knew Brian wasn't ready and that we had prayed and felt it was right. But now I sat and felt that I was being punished for not trying when the dr told me to...

Now my biggest weakness and temptation is my feelings... I was never tempted with drugs, alcohol or sex... But Satan knows that if you get me over thinking things and it can destroy me. 

I called Brian on lunch crying. He shared with me a video with a clip by Preaident Uchdorf and told me to relax what I am feeling is natural. He told me this is hard and that I am having righteous desires and be patient we are being prepared for blessings.

Tonight he gave me a blessing (yes I have received a handful of them since I have been enduring this trial... But I need to boost in faith) I am so grateful for a husband who honors the priesthood and loves me enough to put away the text books and to comfort me when I need it most.

After the blessing which didn't say anything that I have either A. Already been told in blessings B. already been told by my parents or Brian C. Read in the Ensign or scriptures or D. A combination of 2 or more answers. But what it did was comfort my soul and remind me everything is in the Lords hands.

After I read "foret me not" by President Uchdorf. I mainly focused on the "forget not to be happy now" he talks about people waiting for a righteous desire (a golden ticket) but foret to enjoy the candy bar. My golden ticket is more children but I can't overlook the sweet blessing of the child I already have. She is the sweetest, funniest, most gifted, beautiful girl ever... And even if she is my only child she is mine forever! She is the joy of my life and I need to continue to just soak up every second of being her mom. 

I will still continue to hope and pray for my baby but I will be happy with my life now...