Why?

When struggling with infertility you find yourself asking yourself why? A lot. I know I shouldn't think this way but I admit... I have found myself asking, 

"why could I get pregnant with Emma so fast but now I can't?" 

"Why can people who aren't good parents get pregnant but I cant?"

"Why am I in so much physical pain?"

"Why am I going through this?"

I don't know all the answers and if I continue dwelling on the whys I will do nothing but drive me and my husband crazy.

I have felt like I have some answers to my whys. Emma came when she was needed. And because it took no time at all I had little to no sympathy for those that couldn't get pregnant, sure I felt sorry for them but I didn't get it. I thought that getting pregnant came easy. But now I know how it feels to want scratch that need a baby. I know the heartache I know the pain. I feel extreme sorrow for those that struggle with their first since I at least have my little, beautiful, perfect princess to call mine forever.

I also feel Heavenly Father is testing me and making me better. Like I have said countless times, I am a planner and not patient. I worry about everything! I want everything to be perfect and I make up elaborate plans in my head. 

I live by hypotheticals... I have found myself for the past year saying "we can't do this thing then because I might be pregnant" or "what of I am pregnant then... I don't think we should do it" and this was for countless things... Vacations, activities and such. But I needed to learn to be patient. I needed to learn to have faith and relax and just rely on my Heavenly Father. 

Like I said my whys aren't all answered. There are still questions but I need to focus on what I know and continue to work on being a better wife, mother an person.